Kate has been looking for work pretty much since the Kops' arrived in South Africa in December. There doesn't seem to be any teaching jobs as the kids are so well behaved over here;- why would anyone want to leave? Rob starts getting stroppy about the cashflow situation. Although he is earning, he's not earning sterling anymore and life is expensive over here - there's school fees and medical aid for a start. Eventually Lynn, Kate's gym instructor buddy saves the day. She moonlights as a medical aid rep and meets a general surgeon in Durban who needs a secretary. Kate calls him immediately and gets an interview!
The Doctor is called John and is tall, grey and distinguished looking with a very deep mumbling voice.He says 'Yeeees, Hmmmmm, weeeeell,' a lot. The Doctor's wife is also present at the interview. She's called Sue and is a glacial blond with a sweeping chignon who looks like Kate imagines Grace Kelly would look were she still treading this mortal coil. Sue is also the practice nurse and runs the business with the Doctor. Sue speaks very nicely. Kate doesn't really know what posh South Africans sound like, but she guesses something like these two.
Kate is asked lots of questions. They dont seem to mind that she is actually a PE teacher with no secretarial experience at all. Kate just wants a bloody work permit and Rob off her back.
Sue asks Kate if she speaks Afrikaans. Kate says no, but she can speak French well. 'Hmmmm', says Sue, raising a well manicured eyebrow, 'That's not much use here, how will you communicate with our Afrikaans speaking patients?'
'I'll get you on the phone then.' says Kate, at a loss for an answer. Aside from telepathy, what else is she supposed to do in that situation? Kate has had a look at Charlie's Afrikaans text book and there's no way she's ever going down that route. She's only just got the hang of rolling her French R's.
Sue doesnt seem very impressed with Kate; there's a lot of eyebrow raising and 'I see' -ing going on. The Doctor sits back and rumbles something every now and again but Kate cant really understand what he's said.
Jesus! Thinks Kate, what do they want? she's got a bloody degree, she's not some kind of sociopath, she's nice to old ladies, children and small woodland animals! The Doctor and his wife obviously want some kind of nuclear physicist keeping their accounts! They thank Kate for coming and she shuffles disconsolately home.
'She probably thought you wanted to shag her old man!' Rob is trying to console his depressed wife. Kate was quite excited about this job, she liked the administrative part of being a Head of PE , probably more than the teaching. She thinks about the medical side of things and realises she knows nothing, apart from the human anatomy and physiology she studied at college...and what Emma has told her.
Emma is Kate's little sister and has been a nurse in San Diego for the past ten or so years. Every time they chat on the phone, Em tells Kate about some revolting nursey experience she's had at work recently. There was the Mexican who tried to wee in a bottle whilst driving along and ripped the skin off his willy, (it subsequently went green and fell off), the lady with the necrotic wound that Emma applied 'Medical Maggots' to, (She left the maggots on too long and they all turned into flies and flew away when she took the dressing off) and Kate's favourite, the man with the huge boil on his arse that exploded all over Em when she was looking at it. Emma is always having to give people enemas too, (although she does her best to convince her patients to give themselves the enemas, they're usually having none of it) and has told Kate that when they get really constipated, she has to stick her fingers up their bums to hook it out. Kate doesn't know if she'd have to be involved in anything like that, but doesn't think she can stomach too much in the way of body parts or fluids on a regular basis, it was bad enough having to change the boys' nappies, especially Charlie, who seemed to have bowels with the same cubic capacity as the Mariana Trench.
Kate's Granny Lawrence has also played a small part in educating her about things medical. Kate can remember her moaning about her 'piles'. 'What are piles Granny?' Kate had asked. 'Oooh they're like huuuge grapes hanging outcha bumhole Kate!' her Granny had replied. According to Granny, you got them by sitting on frozen concrete or hot radiators, but Kate had never seen her Granny doing either so she didnt know how she'd acquired such an exotic medical condition. When she got older, Kate refused to believe that these horrible sounding things hung out of your bumhole. That is, until the fateful day she gave birth to her eldest son. Charlie was a large baby, weighing in at over 9lbs, but it was his huge head that caused the problems. Being a very narrow hipped female, it took Kate four and a half hours of pushing to finally get Charlie's 22cm head out into the world. Afterwards, Charlie's dad had looked at Kate's nether regions and exclaimed 'There's another one coming!!' 'No schweedie', drawled the Floridian Nurse, 'Thats just the haemorrhoids!'
About a week later, Sue calls Kate and tells her they'd like to offer her the job. Kate heaves a sigh of relief, no more whinging martyr-like husband prattling on about how he's single handedly supporting them all. Kate thinks he's got a bit of a nerve; if he'd married a South African woman, thats exactly what he'd be doing!
Kate likes working for the Doctor. He's a decent enough chap, even if getting conversation out of him is like pulling teeth. Sue is a different kettle of fish. She's quite a chilly character and very particular about how she wants things done. Kate's okay with that though, she's fairly OCD herself and can certainly hold her own when it comes to doing things properly. Eventually, Kate starts to get on quite well with her stern boss.
Kate tells Sue a patient wants to come and have a dodgy lump cut off his back. Sue explains it's called a lesion. The man comes in and Sue tells Kate he is a heart transplant patient and they are particularly susceptible to skin cancers, so the lump will have to be biopsied. The Doctor chops the lump off the man and puts it in a little see through pot with what Kate assumes is some kind of pickling juice. He puts it on his desk.
Sue asks Kate to come and get the specimen to take to the lab. Kate looks at it. It is a small white octopus-like thing with tentacles. Kate swallows and feels her gorge rise. Sue starts telling Kate about how she used to assist with heart transplants. Kate looks at the lesion, she thinks she can see its tentacles moving. Sue says that a heart transplant is such a beautiful thing! When the donor heart is put in the recipient, they have to be warmed up and after about half an hour of tense waiting, the surgeons will hear the heart monitor start to bleep! Kate looks at Sue, who's chin is starting to tremble, Oh God is she crying? thinks Kate? The lesion now appears to be waving at Kate with its appendages. It also appears to have eyes.
Sue now has tears of emotion coursing down her cheeks. The lesion seems to be winking at Kate. She grabs the specimen pot, mumbles something consolatory to her distraught boss and scuttles from the room.
Thuli
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Hyena
April 2010
Kate is VERY excited as her parents are coming to visit South Africa for the first time. Charlie is also excited at the prospect of being stuffed full of homemade cakes, biscuits and other subcutaneous fat-inducing foodstuffs by his Grandma. Mason is excited because the Grand’rents will doubtless be laden with Thomas the Tank Engine related merchandise. Rob is excited because he’ll be able to have manly chats with Kate’s Dad, discuss cricket in microscopic detail and they can slag off each other’s cricketing prowess too.
Rob is slightly concerned about the lack of manly beer in South Africa though - Kate’s Dad only drinks beer in dark brown bottles with names like ‘Olde Hairy Cowe’ and ‘Vicars Poke’, of which there is a distinct lack in Rob’s homeland. Kate is more concerned that her mum will insist on staying in the house for fear of being mugged upon every street corner. Kate doesn’t blame her mum for this, British people tend to have a negative view of South Africa, partly due to Apartheid, partly due to the revolting British media and partly due to the film ‘Lethal Weapon 2’ starring Mel Gibson and Danny Glover, where the South African baddies spend a lot of the film saying things like ‘You dirrrty Kaffir’ in quite poor accents.
Kate herself is embarrassed to admit she was influenced by this film, and very nearly suggested to her Deputy Head that they give the PE teacher post back in 2004, to a short, hirsute man from Kingston upon Thames who did a quite reasonable javelin lesson during interview,(no children threw themselves in front of javelins and no staff were speared either) rather than her husband to be, who she initially found quite cocky and arrogant. Nothing changed there, but she was very relieved to find that Rob got on extremely well with the large Jamaican Marcus Simpson whom they also hired at the same time, and on no occasion were any racial epithets hurled. Rob did admit that he saw Marcus in the shower once and said something along the lines of ‘It’s because he’s black!’ but the comment was entirely complimentary.
Anyway, The ‘Rents arrive at Durban Airport. They are suitably impressed by the Kops’ house and swoop upon the grandchildren who are edging closer to their luggage in the hope of either food (Charlie) or Thomas items (Mason). Kate and Rob decide to wind up the ‘Rents. Kate tells them to make sure they close their balcony doors at night because of the marauding leopards in the area. ‘Oh, ok,’ says Kate’s Mum, ‘As long as your father can have the fan on, he does sweat at night in his old age’ Kate’s Dad just sniggers, as he is wont to do, and asks where the nearest pub is. Rob looks stricken at this and suggests red wine at home as it’s not safe out, what with the leopards and stuff.
Kate admits the leopards don’t exist, but says to be careful of the monkeys. Kate’s Dad is now scornful of any wild animal claim and insists Kate is winding them up again. The monkeys however are proven to be in existence, when returning from the beach, they find the house has been ransacked. The devious little vervets have managed to gain entry via a window and have eaten everything in sight, except for Grandmas’ heart attack inducing home- made cookies. Kate’s mum is very disgruntled at this and demands to know what’s wrong with her cooking. Charlie assures her it’s wonderful whilst eyeing the plate of cookies wistfully. Kate can already see the whole packet of butter used in their production, settling itself down nicely in her son’s adipose tissues. The monkeys have also crapped on the floor, wiped it on the curtains, and knocked over Stanley’s cage. Stanley has escaped and is strutting around the carnage in an imperious manner, stopping only to admire himself in a full length mirror. Charlie wails that Stanley could have been torn to shreds. Kate thinks that any animal, vegetable or mineral that decides to attack Stanley is going to come off decidedly worse. Stanley takes no prisoners.
The reunited family, plus Rob’s twin brother Andy, decide to visit Umfoloza Game reserve for a couple of days. Kate tries to book the trip. Everything is fully booked except for one particular bush camp which only opened very recently. Upon arrival at the camp, they are impressed by the modern Zulu-inspired bush huts and beautiful sun deck overlooking the Umfolozi River, there is hardly anyone else there! Then Kate and Rob realise with horror why the bush camp is under booked. It’s so new there are no fences, electric or otherwise, leaving the inhabitants of the camp at the mercy of the wild beasts of Africa. Rob chats to another camper who cheerfully informs him that yes, he saw a big old male lion in the car park yesterday morning. Rob tells Kate to keep this information from the ‘Rents and kids. Kate mutters to herself about ‘Bloody South Africa’ and ‘Health and Safety’ and ‘Wouldn’t happen in England’ Rob points out that in England, the most dangerous wild animal is perhaps the highly ferocious urban fox, or perhaps the rampant and fearsome hedgehog. Kate stomps off to make tea and extract Charlie from the fridge.
They spend the day driving around the park in a rather splendid combi van they’ve hired for the trip. Kate’s parent ooh and aah at all the animals, although no big cats are seen. Kate’s mum insists on taking photos of every animal she sees, which is fine, except that they see these annoying little springbok things nearly every 100m. They return to the camp and start a barbecue or ‘braai’ on the sundeck. Mason starts wailing that he wants his ‘blankie’. Rob asks Charlie to walk back the 100 metres to their hut and fetch it for him. Charlie is reluctant, as it’s pitch black and they only have a feeble torch, but he dutifully trots off anyway. ‘Ha!’ exclaims Rob as he notices the disapproving looks on the faces of Kate and her Mum. ’It’s a rite of passage! Sending a kid off in the dark when you’re camping! We had to didn’t we Drew?’ Rob’s brother smirks and continues to poke at the Boerwurst.
Just then, Kate sees a pale shape about 20 meters in front of her. At first she thinks one of the other campers has let out their Labrador, but then she realises it is much too large and has strangely hunched shoulders. It is a huge hyena and it is following the path just taken by her gibbering son. Kate shrieks and points at the huge trotting beast and Rob and Andy run after it shouting and waving braai tongs. It slinks off into the darkness in the other direction. Charlie is hysterical however. He didn’t see the hyena but all the shouting terrified him and he does not have the most robust of dispositions. They all sit on a low wall next to the braai and try and console Charlie. Andy mutters to Rob that perhaps they should go inside, as the hyenas are being attracted by the smell of meat. Mason is also smaller than a hyena, and they tend to attack anything smaller than themselves.
As they all get up to go inside, they turn around and come face to face with yet another slavering hyena who has crept up directly behind Kate’s youngest son. It glares at them balefully with beady black eyes but doesn’t retreat. They all scuttle inside, Kate’s mum squawking like a recently buggered chicken and Mason with eyes like planets. Charlie is gibbering again. Kate’s Dad sniggers and says he thinks the hyena is quite cute looking with its big round teddy bear ears. Rob and Andy look at each other in horror. The hyena looks disgusted with the loss of the small blonde child and slinks off to find its buddy, not before it has filched a dropped bread roll.
Kate is VERY excited as her parents are coming to visit South Africa for the first time. Charlie is also excited at the prospect of being stuffed full of homemade cakes, biscuits and other subcutaneous fat-inducing foodstuffs by his Grandma. Mason is excited because the Grand’rents will doubtless be laden with Thomas the Tank Engine related merchandise. Rob is excited because he’ll be able to have manly chats with Kate’s Dad, discuss cricket in microscopic detail and they can slag off each other’s cricketing prowess too.
Rob is slightly concerned about the lack of manly beer in South Africa though - Kate’s Dad only drinks beer in dark brown bottles with names like ‘Olde Hairy Cowe’ and ‘Vicars Poke’, of which there is a distinct lack in Rob’s homeland. Kate is more concerned that her mum will insist on staying in the house for fear of being mugged upon every street corner. Kate doesn’t blame her mum for this, British people tend to have a negative view of South Africa, partly due to Apartheid, partly due to the revolting British media and partly due to the film ‘Lethal Weapon 2’ starring Mel Gibson and Danny Glover, where the South African baddies spend a lot of the film saying things like ‘You dirrrty Kaffir’ in quite poor accents.
Kate herself is embarrassed to admit she was influenced by this film, and very nearly suggested to her Deputy Head that they give the PE teacher post back in 2004, to a short, hirsute man from Kingston upon Thames who did a quite reasonable javelin lesson during interview,(no children threw themselves in front of javelins and no staff were speared either) rather than her husband to be, who she initially found quite cocky and arrogant. Nothing changed there, but she was very relieved to find that Rob got on extremely well with the large Jamaican Marcus Simpson whom they also hired at the same time, and on no occasion were any racial epithets hurled. Rob did admit that he saw Marcus in the shower once and said something along the lines of ‘It’s because he’s black!’ but the comment was entirely complimentary.
Anyway, The ‘Rents arrive at Durban Airport. They are suitably impressed by the Kops’ house and swoop upon the grandchildren who are edging closer to their luggage in the hope of either food (Charlie) or Thomas items (Mason). Kate and Rob decide to wind up the ‘Rents. Kate tells them to make sure they close their balcony doors at night because of the marauding leopards in the area. ‘Oh, ok,’ says Kate’s Mum, ‘As long as your father can have the fan on, he does sweat at night in his old age’ Kate’s Dad just sniggers, as he is wont to do, and asks where the nearest pub is. Rob looks stricken at this and suggests red wine at home as it’s not safe out, what with the leopards and stuff.
Kate admits the leopards don’t exist, but says to be careful of the monkeys. Kate’s Dad is now scornful of any wild animal claim and insists Kate is winding them up again. The monkeys however are proven to be in existence, when returning from the beach, they find the house has been ransacked. The devious little vervets have managed to gain entry via a window and have eaten everything in sight, except for Grandmas’ heart attack inducing home- made cookies. Kate’s mum is very disgruntled at this and demands to know what’s wrong with her cooking. Charlie assures her it’s wonderful whilst eyeing the plate of cookies wistfully. Kate can already see the whole packet of butter used in their production, settling itself down nicely in her son’s adipose tissues. The monkeys have also crapped on the floor, wiped it on the curtains, and knocked over Stanley’s cage. Stanley has escaped and is strutting around the carnage in an imperious manner, stopping only to admire himself in a full length mirror. Charlie wails that Stanley could have been torn to shreds. Kate thinks that any animal, vegetable or mineral that decides to attack Stanley is going to come off decidedly worse. Stanley takes no prisoners.
The reunited family, plus Rob’s twin brother Andy, decide to visit Umfoloza Game reserve for a couple of days. Kate tries to book the trip. Everything is fully booked except for one particular bush camp which only opened very recently. Upon arrival at the camp, they are impressed by the modern Zulu-inspired bush huts and beautiful sun deck overlooking the Umfolozi River, there is hardly anyone else there! Then Kate and Rob realise with horror why the bush camp is under booked. It’s so new there are no fences, electric or otherwise, leaving the inhabitants of the camp at the mercy of the wild beasts of Africa. Rob chats to another camper who cheerfully informs him that yes, he saw a big old male lion in the car park yesterday morning. Rob tells Kate to keep this information from the ‘Rents and kids. Kate mutters to herself about ‘Bloody South Africa’ and ‘Health and Safety’ and ‘Wouldn’t happen in England’ Rob points out that in England, the most dangerous wild animal is perhaps the highly ferocious urban fox, or perhaps the rampant and fearsome hedgehog. Kate stomps off to make tea and extract Charlie from the fridge.
They spend the day driving around the park in a rather splendid combi van they’ve hired for the trip. Kate’s parent ooh and aah at all the animals, although no big cats are seen. Kate’s mum insists on taking photos of every animal she sees, which is fine, except that they see these annoying little springbok things nearly every 100m. They return to the camp and start a barbecue or ‘braai’ on the sundeck. Mason starts wailing that he wants his ‘blankie’. Rob asks Charlie to walk back the 100 metres to their hut and fetch it for him. Charlie is reluctant, as it’s pitch black and they only have a feeble torch, but he dutifully trots off anyway. ‘Ha!’ exclaims Rob as he notices the disapproving looks on the faces of Kate and her Mum. ’It’s a rite of passage! Sending a kid off in the dark when you’re camping! We had to didn’t we Drew?’ Rob’s brother smirks and continues to poke at the Boerwurst.
Just then, Kate sees a pale shape about 20 meters in front of her. At first she thinks one of the other campers has let out their Labrador, but then she realises it is much too large and has strangely hunched shoulders. It is a huge hyena and it is following the path just taken by her gibbering son. Kate shrieks and points at the huge trotting beast and Rob and Andy run after it shouting and waving braai tongs. It slinks off into the darkness in the other direction. Charlie is hysterical however. He didn’t see the hyena but all the shouting terrified him and he does not have the most robust of dispositions. They all sit on a low wall next to the braai and try and console Charlie. Andy mutters to Rob that perhaps they should go inside, as the hyenas are being attracted by the smell of meat. Mason is also smaller than a hyena, and they tend to attack anything smaller than themselves.
As they all get up to go inside, they turn around and come face to face with yet another slavering hyena who has crept up directly behind Kate’s youngest son. It glares at them balefully with beady black eyes but doesn’t retreat. They all scuttle inside, Kate’s mum squawking like a recently buggered chicken and Mason with eyes like planets. Charlie is gibbering again. Kate’s Dad sniggers and says he thinks the hyena is quite cute looking with its big round teddy bear ears. Rob and Andy look at each other in horror. The hyena looks disgusted with the loss of the small blonde child and slinks off to find its buddy, not before it has filched a dropped bread roll.
The Tokoloshe
Friday 12th Feb
As none of the local schools have any teaching vacancies for Kate, she starts to think about starting up her pottery again but is dubious as to whether it’ll take off. Jo, the Headmaster’s wife, insists that it’ll go down really well, as there are lots of very well off mums living in the posh estates in Ballito who are always trying to outdo each other in the children’s party stakes. Jo takes Kate to a Pottery warehouse and she stocks up on supplies. Kate is grateful to Jo when she tells her to just go ahead and buy the bloody stuff, as Kate is a well known ditherer, and would probably not have bothered had she not done so.
Kate also decides to add face painting and temporary tattoos to her party repertoire. The face paints arrive and Kate grabs Mason and tells him he’s having his face painted. Mason says only if he can have a Thomas the Tank Engine face. Shit, thinks Kate, how the hell am I supposed to do that? The Thomas face does not look good and Mason takes one look at his face and shrieks; ‘I want it off!!’
Kate then plonks a very reluctant Charlie down in the hot seat. She tells him he’s having a tiger face. Charlie wheedles and whinges – he’s got a Valentine’s Party to go to at his school and wants to spend a bit of time primping, Kate suspects. Kate does a good job on him and Charlie takes a look in the mirror and grudgingly admits it’s quite good. Kate goes to wash her hands and when she comes back, Charlie is naked and crawling tiger style on all fours towards their full length mirror, growling and snarling at himself. Kate shudders to think what he’ll be like when he’s a teenager.
Rob does not escape the face painting torture.After much ‘Will it damage my complexion?’ and ‘It will wash off right?’ Kate transforms him into Darth Maul, finding that she is able to take the face paint much further up into Rob’s hairline than her sons’.
Rob actually looks quite scary and Kate is pleased with her work. Rob’s phone rings, it is Lisa, the mum of one of Charlie’s friends saying that they are back from the party and could Rob pick Charlie up? Rob insists on wearing his Darth Maul face to pick up Charlie, saying that Lisa might think it’s good and tell all her rich friends. Rob drives up to the estate gates and raises the barrier. The guards are all in their little office and, as usual, look up to wave at the resident at the exit. They see a big red and black patterned face with pale eyes and big black ears staring at them. They shriek and scuttle back into the office screaming ‘Aaaagh! Tokoloshe! Tokoloshe!*’ Rob hisses at them and drives to get Charlie.
Saturday 13th Feb
Charlie goes to yet another ridiculously lavish birthday party, held by one of the many Crawford mothers with more money than sense and very little else to do except visit the salon and lay by the pool as they have live in maids who raise their children for them. Bitter? Kate? Naaah!
This particular extravaganza is held at a water park which boasts a surf centre. Charlie and chums will be taught how to surf!! Unfortunately, young Charlie, being at a clumsy age, slips over and lands halfway in a Jacuzzi on his undercarriage. Apparently there is much shouting and screaming, as one would expect from an injury to the nads. Charlie limps home with his tail – and a much bruised set of pre pubescent man bags between his legs. Kate reassures Charlie that it’s just a bruise, and though it hurt, it’ll get better. Charlie is concerned that he will be unable to provide his future wife with children. Kate doesn’t think Charlie needs to be worrying about this sort of thing yet, as only last week he was asking Kate exactly how he was supposed to go about having sex. (For once, Kate was momentarily at a loss for words, stunned by questions such as ‘So how do I get it in?’ and ‘Which hole does it go in?’) Kate pre empts further questions by telling Charlie to man up and go and sit on a bag of frozen peas.
Unfortunately, Charlie is fascinated by the large purple bruise that has appeared around his sacks of manliness, and insists on showing Rob, Kate and Mason at every available opportunity. Kate thinks things have gone too far when Kate’s parents get treated to a genital close up via Skype one evening. ‘Oh God no, stop it!’ wails Kate’s Dad into the webcam; ‘It’s like a horrible porno!’
Eventually Mason takes matters into his own hands, having had Charlie’s violet tinted organ thrust under his nose once too often. ‘For God’s sake Charlie!’ he shrieks; ‘Put your nasty willy away!’
• Tokoloshe
According to Rob, the ‘Tokoloshe’ is a terrifying demon like creature feared by the very superstitious Zulus, kind of like their version of the Boogeyman. However, once your typical Brit or Yank reaches the age of 12 (Charlie seems to be a bit behind in this regard) they will have realised that said Boogeyman is nothing but an underhand tactic used by their parents to scare them into doing as they are told. Not so the Zulus. Apparently, Zulu parents raise their children’s beds off the ground with bricks, so that the Tokoloshe can’t climb into their bed at night. Kate reasons that this must mean the Tokoloshe are very short, so why would the guards be scared of her dopey husband? Do the Zulus believe Tokoloshes drive cars too?
Confused, Kate decides to ask Thuli, her ‘Domestic Worker’ (Kate prefers this term, cringingly PC though it is, to the term ‘Black Slave’ used by her sister) Kate also thinks 95% of what Rob tells her about Africa is complete bollocks.
Thuli finds Kate’s question hysterically funny but tells her that the Tokoloshe is a bad demon created by witches to cause problems for people. Kate asks what they look like but Thuli says she has never seen one. She says that if a person has something bad happen to them they are said to be ‘walking with the Tokoloshe’. Kate asks Thuli if she believes in witches and Tokoloshes, Thuli says yes, of course, looking at Kate like she’s a nutter. Only the other day as she was stopped at a traffic light (or ‘robot’as they are quaintly known in South Africa) a young Zulu man handed her a leaflet advertising the services of a local witch doctor, who would ‘talk to dead people and the wind’ and ‘check the bones’. Apparently the good Doctor also helps women who are ‘unable to ejaculate during sex’!!
As none of the local schools have any teaching vacancies for Kate, she starts to think about starting up her pottery again but is dubious as to whether it’ll take off. Jo, the Headmaster’s wife, insists that it’ll go down really well, as there are lots of very well off mums living in the posh estates in Ballito who are always trying to outdo each other in the children’s party stakes. Jo takes Kate to a Pottery warehouse and she stocks up on supplies. Kate is grateful to Jo when she tells her to just go ahead and buy the bloody stuff, as Kate is a well known ditherer, and would probably not have bothered had she not done so.
Kate also decides to add face painting and temporary tattoos to her party repertoire. The face paints arrive and Kate grabs Mason and tells him he’s having his face painted. Mason says only if he can have a Thomas the Tank Engine face. Shit, thinks Kate, how the hell am I supposed to do that? The Thomas face does not look good and Mason takes one look at his face and shrieks; ‘I want it off!!’
Kate then plonks a very reluctant Charlie down in the hot seat. She tells him he’s having a tiger face. Charlie wheedles and whinges – he’s got a Valentine’s Party to go to at his school and wants to spend a bit of time primping, Kate suspects. Kate does a good job on him and Charlie takes a look in the mirror and grudgingly admits it’s quite good. Kate goes to wash her hands and when she comes back, Charlie is naked and crawling tiger style on all fours towards their full length mirror, growling and snarling at himself. Kate shudders to think what he’ll be like when he’s a teenager.
Rob does not escape the face painting torture.After much ‘Will it damage my complexion?’ and ‘It will wash off right?’ Kate transforms him into Darth Maul, finding that she is able to take the face paint much further up into Rob’s hairline than her sons’.
Rob actually looks quite scary and Kate is pleased with her work. Rob’s phone rings, it is Lisa, the mum of one of Charlie’s friends saying that they are back from the party and could Rob pick Charlie up? Rob insists on wearing his Darth Maul face to pick up Charlie, saying that Lisa might think it’s good and tell all her rich friends. Rob drives up to the estate gates and raises the barrier. The guards are all in their little office and, as usual, look up to wave at the resident at the exit. They see a big red and black patterned face with pale eyes and big black ears staring at them. They shriek and scuttle back into the office screaming ‘Aaaagh! Tokoloshe! Tokoloshe!*’ Rob hisses at them and drives to get Charlie.
Saturday 13th Feb
Charlie goes to yet another ridiculously lavish birthday party, held by one of the many Crawford mothers with more money than sense and very little else to do except visit the salon and lay by the pool as they have live in maids who raise their children for them. Bitter? Kate? Naaah!
This particular extravaganza is held at a water park which boasts a surf centre. Charlie and chums will be taught how to surf!! Unfortunately, young Charlie, being at a clumsy age, slips over and lands halfway in a Jacuzzi on his undercarriage. Apparently there is much shouting and screaming, as one would expect from an injury to the nads. Charlie limps home with his tail – and a much bruised set of pre pubescent man bags between his legs. Kate reassures Charlie that it’s just a bruise, and though it hurt, it’ll get better. Charlie is concerned that he will be unable to provide his future wife with children. Kate doesn’t think Charlie needs to be worrying about this sort of thing yet, as only last week he was asking Kate exactly how he was supposed to go about having sex. (For once, Kate was momentarily at a loss for words, stunned by questions such as ‘So how do I get it in?’ and ‘Which hole does it go in?’) Kate pre empts further questions by telling Charlie to man up and go and sit on a bag of frozen peas.
Unfortunately, Charlie is fascinated by the large purple bruise that has appeared around his sacks of manliness, and insists on showing Rob, Kate and Mason at every available opportunity. Kate thinks things have gone too far when Kate’s parents get treated to a genital close up via Skype one evening. ‘Oh God no, stop it!’ wails Kate’s Dad into the webcam; ‘It’s like a horrible porno!’
Eventually Mason takes matters into his own hands, having had Charlie’s violet tinted organ thrust under his nose once too often. ‘For God’s sake Charlie!’ he shrieks; ‘Put your nasty willy away!’
• Tokoloshe
According to Rob, the ‘Tokoloshe’ is a terrifying demon like creature feared by the very superstitious Zulus, kind of like their version of the Boogeyman. However, once your typical Brit or Yank reaches the age of 12 (Charlie seems to be a bit behind in this regard) they will have realised that said Boogeyman is nothing but an underhand tactic used by their parents to scare them into doing as they are told. Not so the Zulus. Apparently, Zulu parents raise their children’s beds off the ground with bricks, so that the Tokoloshe can’t climb into their bed at night. Kate reasons that this must mean the Tokoloshe are very short, so why would the guards be scared of her dopey husband? Do the Zulus believe Tokoloshes drive cars too?
Confused, Kate decides to ask Thuli, her ‘Domestic Worker’ (Kate prefers this term, cringingly PC though it is, to the term ‘Black Slave’ used by her sister) Kate also thinks 95% of what Rob tells her about Africa is complete bollocks.
Thuli finds Kate’s question hysterically funny but tells her that the Tokoloshe is a bad demon created by witches to cause problems for people. Kate asks what they look like but Thuli says she has never seen one. She says that if a person has something bad happen to them they are said to be ‘walking with the Tokoloshe’. Kate asks Thuli if she believes in witches and Tokoloshes, Thuli says yes, of course, looking at Kate like she’s a nutter. Only the other day as she was stopped at a traffic light (or ‘robot’as they are quaintly known in South Africa) a young Zulu man handed her a leaflet advertising the services of a local witch doctor, who would ‘talk to dead people and the wind’ and ‘check the bones’. Apparently the good Doctor also helps women who are ‘unable to ejaculate during sex’!!
Swiss Ball Class
Monday
Kate goes to the gym to do her ‘Swiss Ball’ class. The instructor is a loud shouty lady who bellows at the women to work harder. Kate likes that type of instructor. She can’t bear the ones with perma- grins pasted on their faces who go ‘ Whooo! Whoooo! ‘ every five minutes. After the class, the instructor chats to Kate, she is called Lynn and is actually from Sunderland but has lived in South Africa for the past 27 years. Lynn asks Kate how she’s settling in and asks if she’s made any friends yet. Kate hasn’t even thought about making friends – apart from Rob’s cousin Karen, she hasn’t really met many other females; she admits that she hasn’t. Lynn invites Kate to a girly evening at her friend’s house on Friday where they’ll be having dinner and some booze. Kate accepts her kind invitation, even though she feels a bit awkward - South African women? Kate hopes they're not high maintenance in any way shape or form.
Kate goes home and tells Rob about Lynn and the Friday night out. Rob looks at Kate thoughtfully for a moment then declares; ‘She’s a LESBIAN!! She wants to dive in your MUFF!! HA!’ Naturally, thinks Kate sarcastically. She is a Gym instructor and is female, of course she is a lesbian. Kate has experienced this reaction from people herself during her PE teaching days, especially when she had her hair very short. By now though, Rob is on the phone to his twin brother;
‘Hey Bru, guess what? Kate’s got a girlfriend! Yeah, she’s going to a rug munching party! Good times Hey?’
Kate can hear Andy squawking appreciatively on the phone. Andy says that Kate should call him when the action starts and leave it on for him to listen to. Rob gets off the phone and tells Kate that she needs a ‘safe’ word for Friday night that she can call and say to him if she feels that things are going too far. At this point, Kate thinks that Rob has been secretly reading the article in her ‘Marie Claire’ about S&M, but humouring her excited husband, she rolls her eyes agrees to the word ‘shagpile’.
Stanley.
Stanley is the blue Indian ringnecked parakeet, that Kate was coerced into buying by her two children shortly after their arrival in South Africa. Charlie promised to help do his bit by cleaning and feeding Stanley, but the 3 month old terror hates Charlie and bites his ears, so Kate feels rotten trying to make Charlie do anything other than wipe up the odd turd.
The pet shop owner told Kate that because Stanley was still a baby, she should feed him cereal with a syringe. She has been doing this, and as a result, Stanley has developed what Kate considers to be a somewhat unnatural attachment to her. When the kids go near him, Stanley will hiss and bark at them, trying to nip whatever appendage they happen to be poking at him at the time. Whenever Kate approaches, Stanley bows his head and croons pitifully at her. She is the only person whose finger Stanley will happily hop onto, although he will jump onto Rob’s, probably out of sheer terror, thinks Kate.
Stanley has had his wings clipped in the pet shop, but is desperate to fly. He will launch himself into the air, flapping furiously, then more often that not fly head first into a wall and slide unceremoniously to the floor. Mason finds this hysterically funny and will make so much noise laughing, that Kate isn’t surprised the poor bird is nervous around him. Kate is also surprised that Stanley hasn’t yet given himself brain damage with his attempts at flight.
Kate is also worried that sooner or later, the monkeys will get him. Rob is convinced of this also. When the monkeys yawn, Kate can see huge canine teeth flashing at her. She doesn’t think these are just used on bananas and she has often seen the monkeys peering in and eyeing Stanley as he sits primly on his perch. Kate thinks Charlie will be pleased if the monkeys successfully mount a ‘Stanleysnatch’ attack, as they will then be forced to acquire another bird, who might actually like him. Kate thinks she should buy Charlie a fish; with their short memories, a fish won’t remember that five minutes earlier Charlie was trying to feed it ants, and will love him unconditionally.
Kate goes to the gym to do her ‘Swiss Ball’ class. The instructor is a loud shouty lady who bellows at the women to work harder. Kate likes that type of instructor. She can’t bear the ones with perma- grins pasted on their faces who go ‘ Whooo! Whoooo! ‘ every five minutes. After the class, the instructor chats to Kate, she is called Lynn and is actually from Sunderland but has lived in South Africa for the past 27 years. Lynn asks Kate how she’s settling in and asks if she’s made any friends yet. Kate hasn’t even thought about making friends – apart from Rob’s cousin Karen, she hasn’t really met many other females; she admits that she hasn’t. Lynn invites Kate to a girly evening at her friend’s house on Friday where they’ll be having dinner and some booze. Kate accepts her kind invitation, even though she feels a bit awkward - South African women? Kate hopes they're not high maintenance in any way shape or form.
Kate goes home and tells Rob about Lynn and the Friday night out. Rob looks at Kate thoughtfully for a moment then declares; ‘She’s a LESBIAN!! She wants to dive in your MUFF!! HA!’ Naturally, thinks Kate sarcastically. She is a Gym instructor and is female, of course she is a lesbian. Kate has experienced this reaction from people herself during her PE teaching days, especially when she had her hair very short. By now though, Rob is on the phone to his twin brother;
‘Hey Bru, guess what? Kate’s got a girlfriend! Yeah, she’s going to a rug munching party! Good times Hey?’
Kate can hear Andy squawking appreciatively on the phone. Andy says that Kate should call him when the action starts and leave it on for him to listen to. Rob gets off the phone and tells Kate that she needs a ‘safe’ word for Friday night that she can call and say to him if she feels that things are going too far. At this point, Kate thinks that Rob has been secretly reading the article in her ‘Marie Claire’ about S&M, but humouring her excited husband, she rolls her eyes agrees to the word ‘shagpile’.
Stanley.
Stanley is the blue Indian ringnecked parakeet, that Kate was coerced into buying by her two children shortly after their arrival in South Africa. Charlie promised to help do his bit by cleaning and feeding Stanley, but the 3 month old terror hates Charlie and bites his ears, so Kate feels rotten trying to make Charlie do anything other than wipe up the odd turd.
The pet shop owner told Kate that because Stanley was still a baby, she should feed him cereal with a syringe. She has been doing this, and as a result, Stanley has developed what Kate considers to be a somewhat unnatural attachment to her. When the kids go near him, Stanley will hiss and bark at them, trying to nip whatever appendage they happen to be poking at him at the time. Whenever Kate approaches, Stanley bows his head and croons pitifully at her. She is the only person whose finger Stanley will happily hop onto, although he will jump onto Rob’s, probably out of sheer terror, thinks Kate.
Stanley has had his wings clipped in the pet shop, but is desperate to fly. He will launch himself into the air, flapping furiously, then more often that not fly head first into a wall and slide unceremoniously to the floor. Mason finds this hysterically funny and will make so much noise laughing, that Kate isn’t surprised the poor bird is nervous around him. Kate is also surprised that Stanley hasn’t yet given himself brain damage with his attempts at flight.
Kate is also worried that sooner or later, the monkeys will get him. Rob is convinced of this also. When the monkeys yawn, Kate can see huge canine teeth flashing at her. She doesn’t think these are just used on bananas and she has often seen the monkeys peering in and eyeing Stanley as he sits primly on his perch. Kate thinks Charlie will be pleased if the monkeys successfully mount a ‘Stanleysnatch’ attack, as they will then be forced to acquire another bird, who might actually like him. Kate thinks she should buy Charlie a fish; with their short memories, a fish won’t remember that five minutes earlier Charlie was trying to feed it ants, and will love him unconditionally.
The Millars
Friday
In February 2009, Mason and Rob took a trip to South Africa whilst Kate and Charlie went to stay with the ‘Rents and sister in Key West. Whilst he was there he took Mason to stay with his cousin, Karen, her husband Andrew and their two girls, Simone and Jordan. Today they are coming to Ballito to visit the Kops’. Kate is pleased, she likes Rob’s family and she could do with someone to have a natter with.
The Millars arrive late at night after driving from Dundee, which is near the Drakensberg mountains, about halfway between Jo’burg and Durban. In the morning, everyone gets up and has a fried breakfast then they head to the beach.
Simone is twelve and Jordan is four, the same ages as Charlie and Mason. Kate is pleased as Charlie and Simone hit it off and spend all morning swimming and trying to knock crabs off rocks with stones. If she had plaits, Kate thinks Simone would look exactly like Pocahontas as she’s very pretty, and dark like her Dad. This is not lost on Charlie who seems to be doing a lot of Baywatch style running along the beach.
Karen tells Kate that Simone is very accident prone. Indeed, when Rob was visiting last February, she got a nasty snake bite that landed her in hospital. It was a Stiletto snake, which Kate thinks is a daft name for a snake, as it implies it’s long and thin, which all snakes are (apart from those nasty big things that eat Amazon Indians whole). When Rob told Kate about the snake incident, he says he’s sure that Mason and Jordan had found it earlier and were trying to feed it a saucer of milk. The Millars snigger over the fact that Rob was hopping around at the sight of the snake and shrieking like a girl. To hear Rob’s version of the story, he was the hero of the hour. Kate knows who she believes. Anyway, true to form, the unfortunate Simone gets stung on the bum by a jellyfish.
Jordan is just as deliciously naughty as Mason and Kate likes watching them play. They are like a little old couple chuntering to each other. Jordan has a saying that she got from Barney the purple dinosaur. Whenever she wants to play with something that Mason has she’ll say ‘Sharing is caring Mason!’ in her squeaky sing song voice. Simone says that it won’t work if Mason says it to her.
Kate and Karen sit on the beach gossiping and smoking fags. Kate smokes so many fags during the Millar’s visit, she feels bilious and thinks she has nicotine poisoning. Andrew dutifully plays with the little ones and Kate doesn’t think she’s ever met such a good natured husband! Karen and Rob tease Andrew about his dark looks and Karen says they were on holiday in Egypt when a local started jabbering to Andrew in his own tongue. Kate laughs and thinks that if she was Andrew, she’d rather be dark than look like a member of the Third Reich like Rob. Indeed, Rob’s Aryan skin gets burnt at the beach and Kate ends up pestering him to peel the skin off his shoulders.
Monday – Friday
Rob and the kids start the new school year at Crawford Prep school. Rob finds he is teaching Geography and Maths. He’s not happy about the Maths. Kate doesn’t see what the problem is – it’s not like a bunch of twelve year olds are going to know more than him! He’s also coaching cricket to the under 10’s, which he moans about too, saying they’re useless and can’t hold a bat properly. Kate very patiently reminds him that the whole point of his job is to make sure they can. Duh!
Rob and Charlie depart on Wednesday for their respective ‘Bonding tours’. Rob is a year five teacher so he goes to a camp by a river with them that Kate can’t pronounce the name of. She finds herself wondering if any man eating crocodiles will be lining the banks. Charlie goes to the Drakensburg mountains with the year sevens. He calls Kate one evening and tells her that his classmates are too rough and all they want to do is roll around fighting each other. Kate tells him to fight with them and Charlie replies that he’s worried he’ll get hurt as they’re all bigger than him. Kate thinks about this. Charlie is only twelve years old, but he stands 5’5 tall and is only one shoe size smaller than Rob, how can these children be bigger than him? Are they mutants? She doesn’t know what to suggest so she tells him to stop snivelling and go and make friends, she also says wants an SMS telling her of his progress with the ‘friendmaking’ in an hour. Thankfully Charlie sends her a message saying all is well and he has made friends with a ‘cool’ English girl.
Kate and Mason are negotiating his first days at the Pre- Prep school on their own. It’s a fabulous place with a jungle gym that looks like it comes from the set of Tarzan. Mason likes his teacher, Mrs Koenig, who gives him a cuddle every time he goes home. Mrs Koenig seems very pleasant, but a bit prim. She seems to be easily shocked by Kate who tells her that both her boys are a ‘couple of flowers’ when she mentions that Mason has been quiet at school. ‘Oh no, no!‘ she protests, ‘Mason has a very special emotional intelligence!’ Kate tries hard not to snort. She kisses Mason goodbye and Mason tells Mrs Koenig that mummy has put her lipstick on his mouth. Kate tells him she’s not wearing any and informs Mrs Koenig it’s probably just slobber. Mrs Koenig looks horrified.
Kate gets home and reads some of the educational bumph she’s been given by Mrs Koenig. Apparently the children are being taught to be assertive. Kate smirks to herself, Mason certainly doesn’t need lessons in that! Later, when they are all at home, Kate asks Mason to pick something up that he has hurled on the floor. Mason ignores her so Kate asks him again. ‘STOP IT! I DON’T LIKE IT! GOODBYE!’ Mason says assertively. Mrs Koenig obviously takes her job seriously, thinks Kate.
Sunday
Rob plays golf and Kate takes the boys to the Pottery so they can play on the jungle gym. There is an indemnity notice on the equipment saying that everyone plays there at their own risk. Mason asks Kate what it says and she tells him it says that if you hurt yourself, it’s your own fault. Mason thinks for a moment then stamps on Charlie’s foot. Charlie shrieks. ‘Does that hurt? ‘ says Mason, ‘Yes! ‘ cries Charlie. ‘ That’s your fault’ says Mason smugly. They go to play and Charlie stubs his toe. Again, Mason informs him that it’s his own fault. When they leave, a bird craps on Charlie’s leg. ‘ Charlie’s not very lucky today is he Mummy?’ trills Mason.
In February 2009, Mason and Rob took a trip to South Africa whilst Kate and Charlie went to stay with the ‘Rents and sister in Key West. Whilst he was there he took Mason to stay with his cousin, Karen, her husband Andrew and their two girls, Simone and Jordan. Today they are coming to Ballito to visit the Kops’. Kate is pleased, she likes Rob’s family and she could do with someone to have a natter with.
The Millars arrive late at night after driving from Dundee, which is near the Drakensberg mountains, about halfway between Jo’burg and Durban. In the morning, everyone gets up and has a fried breakfast then they head to the beach.
Simone is twelve and Jordan is four, the same ages as Charlie and Mason. Kate is pleased as Charlie and Simone hit it off and spend all morning swimming and trying to knock crabs off rocks with stones. If she had plaits, Kate thinks Simone would look exactly like Pocahontas as she’s very pretty, and dark like her Dad. This is not lost on Charlie who seems to be doing a lot of Baywatch style running along the beach.
Karen tells Kate that Simone is very accident prone. Indeed, when Rob was visiting last February, she got a nasty snake bite that landed her in hospital. It was a Stiletto snake, which Kate thinks is a daft name for a snake, as it implies it’s long and thin, which all snakes are (apart from those nasty big things that eat Amazon Indians whole). When Rob told Kate about the snake incident, he says he’s sure that Mason and Jordan had found it earlier and were trying to feed it a saucer of milk. The Millars snigger over the fact that Rob was hopping around at the sight of the snake and shrieking like a girl. To hear Rob’s version of the story, he was the hero of the hour. Kate knows who she believes. Anyway, true to form, the unfortunate Simone gets stung on the bum by a jellyfish.
Jordan is just as deliciously naughty as Mason and Kate likes watching them play. They are like a little old couple chuntering to each other. Jordan has a saying that she got from Barney the purple dinosaur. Whenever she wants to play with something that Mason has she’ll say ‘Sharing is caring Mason!’ in her squeaky sing song voice. Simone says that it won’t work if Mason says it to her.
Kate and Karen sit on the beach gossiping and smoking fags. Kate smokes so many fags during the Millar’s visit, she feels bilious and thinks she has nicotine poisoning. Andrew dutifully plays with the little ones and Kate doesn’t think she’s ever met such a good natured husband! Karen and Rob tease Andrew about his dark looks and Karen says they were on holiday in Egypt when a local started jabbering to Andrew in his own tongue. Kate laughs and thinks that if she was Andrew, she’d rather be dark than look like a member of the Third Reich like Rob. Indeed, Rob’s Aryan skin gets burnt at the beach and Kate ends up pestering him to peel the skin off his shoulders.
Monday – Friday
Rob and the kids start the new school year at Crawford Prep school. Rob finds he is teaching Geography and Maths. He’s not happy about the Maths. Kate doesn’t see what the problem is – it’s not like a bunch of twelve year olds are going to know more than him! He’s also coaching cricket to the under 10’s, which he moans about too, saying they’re useless and can’t hold a bat properly. Kate very patiently reminds him that the whole point of his job is to make sure they can. Duh!
Rob and Charlie depart on Wednesday for their respective ‘Bonding tours’. Rob is a year five teacher so he goes to a camp by a river with them that Kate can’t pronounce the name of. She finds herself wondering if any man eating crocodiles will be lining the banks. Charlie goes to the Drakensburg mountains with the year sevens. He calls Kate one evening and tells her that his classmates are too rough and all they want to do is roll around fighting each other. Kate tells him to fight with them and Charlie replies that he’s worried he’ll get hurt as they’re all bigger than him. Kate thinks about this. Charlie is only twelve years old, but he stands 5’5 tall and is only one shoe size smaller than Rob, how can these children be bigger than him? Are they mutants? She doesn’t know what to suggest so she tells him to stop snivelling and go and make friends, she also says wants an SMS telling her of his progress with the ‘friendmaking’ in an hour. Thankfully Charlie sends her a message saying all is well and he has made friends with a ‘cool’ English girl.
Kate and Mason are negotiating his first days at the Pre- Prep school on their own. It’s a fabulous place with a jungle gym that looks like it comes from the set of Tarzan. Mason likes his teacher, Mrs Koenig, who gives him a cuddle every time he goes home. Mrs Koenig seems very pleasant, but a bit prim. She seems to be easily shocked by Kate who tells her that both her boys are a ‘couple of flowers’ when she mentions that Mason has been quiet at school. ‘Oh no, no!‘ she protests, ‘Mason has a very special emotional intelligence!’ Kate tries hard not to snort. She kisses Mason goodbye and Mason tells Mrs Koenig that mummy has put her lipstick on his mouth. Kate tells him she’s not wearing any and informs Mrs Koenig it’s probably just slobber. Mrs Koenig looks horrified.
Kate gets home and reads some of the educational bumph she’s been given by Mrs Koenig. Apparently the children are being taught to be assertive. Kate smirks to herself, Mason certainly doesn’t need lessons in that! Later, when they are all at home, Kate asks Mason to pick something up that he has hurled on the floor. Mason ignores her so Kate asks him again. ‘STOP IT! I DON’T LIKE IT! GOODBYE!’ Mason says assertively. Mrs Koenig obviously takes her job seriously, thinks Kate.
Sunday
Rob plays golf and Kate takes the boys to the Pottery so they can play on the jungle gym. There is an indemnity notice on the equipment saying that everyone plays there at their own risk. Mason asks Kate what it says and she tells him it says that if you hurt yourself, it’s your own fault. Mason thinks for a moment then stamps on Charlie’s foot. Charlie shrieks. ‘Does that hurt? ‘ says Mason, ‘Yes! ‘ cries Charlie. ‘ That’s your fault’ says Mason smugly. They go to play and Charlie stubs his toe. Again, Mason informs him that it’s his own fault. When they leave, a bird craps on Charlie’s leg. ‘ Charlie’s not very lucky today is he Mummy?’ trills Mason.
Jacob Zuma
Saturday 9th Jan.
Jacob Zuma, the South African President, is getting married for the fifth time. Kate thinks this must mean he has been divorced four times, but no, he is the proud owner of four other wives. He is on TV for his wedding ceremony, resplendent in traditional Zulu warrior garb, which means he is wearing a leopardskin and not much else. It’s not a pretty sight. Things take a turn for the worse when he starts doing the traditional male Zulu dance which involves kicking ones legs high above the head. Then, much to Kate’s amusement, he falls backwards on his arse in front of the worlds press. She doesn’t think the new Mrs Zuma will be very impressed.
Kate is listening to the radio and the DJ, (very obviously a white guy from his accent) is mercilessly taking the piss out of his President’s little mishap. Kate has noticed that white South Africans are very public in their mockery of the government and how generally thick they consider the blacks in power to be. From what she has seen so far, their jibes seem to have some basis in the truth. Not long after, she reads a newspaper article by a black columnist who is deriding the attitude of these people. He claims that they are ignorant and don’t they know that the ‘falling over’ was actually part of the dance? If they can’t be bothered to learn about the traditions of the Zulu people, then they shouldn’t offer comment on it. Naturally, this sends the piss taking white guys into paroxysms of delight. Of course! they say, Zuma fell over in front of the world and his new wife on purpose!! How ignorant of us!
Sunday 10th Jan
Charlie, Kate and Mason go for walk so that Mason can ride his new bike. This actually involves Kate carrying the bike up hills because Mason can’t manage them with his spindly legs, and down hills because Mason is too scared to bomb down them.
After a while they sit down for a rest and to contemplate the dense jungle in the small valley below. Kate looks down on the grass and sees a strange plant growing there - as she touches it, it folds its ferny fronds in on itself. Charlie is initially reluctant to touch it, as he fears it is a Venus Fly Trap, and could quite possibly devour him whole. Mason has no such inhibitions and very soon Kate finds herself sent off to look for more of the plants while Mason and Charlie excitedly poke at them to make them close up.
Unfortunately, Kate discovers more than just the plants – a shiny black foot long millipede as thick as her finger ripples in front of her and gives her a bad case of the shudders. She ushers her little chicks home and away from Africa’s nasty creatures.
That night, Kate is dozing off in the dark, when she feels something drop onto her face. She sits up shrieking and turns on the light. There is nothing there. Rob is not amused and tells her to get a grip and go to sleep. She tries, but five minutes later she feels something scrabbling around in her hair, right next to her ear. This time she practically vaults out of the bed, but again, there is nothing to see. Rob tries to comfort her by telling her that whatever it was is now probably burrowing down her ear canal and laying eggs in the lining of her brain.
Monday 11th Jan
The Kops’ head north towards the Huhluwe National Park. They are spending two days in a game reserve. Kate has been to a game reserve on a previous trip to South Africa but can’t remember much about it. She was pregnant with Mason at the time and thinks that the very fact that she was carrying the spawn of Rob may have affected her mind somewhat. Now, she and the kids are very excited, the big five are all apparently in residence at the park and they hope to see some big cats.
As they approach the entrance to the park, they are accosted by a little group of tiny black boys wearing tatty shorts. One of them starts banging on a big oil drum with sticks and the others start shouting and doing the Zulu war dance that President Zuma was attempting to do – with considerably more flair, Kate observes. Rob thinks so too and speaks to them in Zulu and gives them a ten rand note. This equivalent of one British pound will probably feed them for a week. As they drive off, Kate starts blubbing. Rob looks at her in disbelief. Poor little things, she sobs. Charlie tells Rob that he shouldn’t laugh at mum because he too thinks it’s very sad. Rob snorts and calls them both Moffies. Mason’s eyes gleam as he rehearses his newly learnt insult in his head.
They drive through the park to the rest camp. They pass some large shiny black rocks which turn out to be hippos. They also see some rhinos, giraffe and elephants crashing through some trees. They are staying in a fairly large thatched chalet with a balcony overlooking the bush. The entrance to the rest camp is a cattle grid, and the camp itself is surrounded by a three foot high electric fence. From what Kate remembers of her previous game reserve visit, there should be a fifteen foot high fence, huge gates which close at night, and guards with rifles constantly guarding the gate. Foolishly, she points this out to Rob, who agrees, but by then it is too late, her eldest son is now convinced he will die that very night in the jaws of the king of the jungle. After much reassurance by herself and Rob, Charlie accepts that they will be safe, and that such precautions obviously aren’t necessary here. Kate and Rob have already spent the past week convincing Charlie that they aren’t going to die of malaria. The park is in a malaria area, but the doctor and a pharmacist have insisted that tablets aren’t necessary and bug spray will do for one night. Despite their assurances, Charlie has still been asking what the symptoms are, and if there’s a cure. Kate hopes it’s just a phase he’s going through.
At the chalet, after liberal applications of Deet bug spray and the donning of long sleeved garments, Rob starts a barbecue, or ‘Braai’, as he insists Kate and the kids refer to it. The barbecue itself is right next to the dense forest, and Kate thinks it’s going to get very creepy when it’s dark. They have already seen an impala wandering round near their chalet, and Kate (silently) thinks that if a bloody deer can get in, why cant a tree climbing big cat?
Darkness falls. There is no light near the braai, so Rob asks Charlie and Mason to shine the lights from their cellphones on the meat for him. Kate sits on the balcony itching and eyeing the numerous spider webs that are draped in the eaves of the thatched roof. Suddenly there is an almighty shriek from Charlie; ‘EYES!! I CAN SEE EYES IN THE BUSHES!!!’ He grabs Mason and hurtles up the stairs with his nonplussed brother. Rob shines the light from his cellphone into the bush and confirms in a nervous voice that he too can see ‘eyes’. Kate, who by now has very nearly deposited the contents of her bowels on the balcony, creeps down to see. The bushes are indeed filled with tiny green lights, which she and Rob then realise are very obviously fireflies. Rob is forbidden from taking the piss out of Charlie as they all witnessed him saying he saw the eyes too. Charlie is more relieved about this than the fact that there are no hyenas or lions gnawing on his lower leg.
They are up at the crack of crows fart the next day, as animals come out when it’s cooler. They see more rhino, more giraffe, loads of deer like things with horns, a wildebeest and buffalo. No pussy cats. Mason is particularly fascinated by a heavily pregnant zebra who is waddling along the road with a friend. Mason is going through a particularly annoying phase at the moment. He will continually ask questions about everything he sees, which in itself isn’t irritating, it’s the repeated ‘Why?’ that follows their attempts to answer his questions that drives Kate and Rob nuts. Kate’s personal favourites are; ‘Why do we need heads?’ and ‘Why does water have to be wet?’
‘How does the baby zebra come out of the mummy’s tummy?’ pipes up the curious one.
‘ He comes out of a hole in the mummy zebra’s noo-noo.’ says Kate.
‘ Is the hole very big mummy?, it must be a big hole!’
Kate assures Mason that there’s plenty of room for the baby zebra to emerge.
‘ Is there a big hole in your noo-noo mummy, for when we came out?’
Rob snorts and assures his son that there is plenty of room in mummy’s noo-noo and she could probably manage to squirt out a couple of wildebeest too if necessary.
Kate thinks that if the gods are smiling on her, then the eyes next to the braai tonight wont be fireflies…
Jacob Zuma, the South African President, is getting married for the fifth time. Kate thinks this must mean he has been divorced four times, but no, he is the proud owner of four other wives. He is on TV for his wedding ceremony, resplendent in traditional Zulu warrior garb, which means he is wearing a leopardskin and not much else. It’s not a pretty sight. Things take a turn for the worse when he starts doing the traditional male Zulu dance which involves kicking ones legs high above the head. Then, much to Kate’s amusement, he falls backwards on his arse in front of the worlds press. She doesn’t think the new Mrs Zuma will be very impressed.
Kate is listening to the radio and the DJ, (very obviously a white guy from his accent) is mercilessly taking the piss out of his President’s little mishap. Kate has noticed that white South Africans are very public in their mockery of the government and how generally thick they consider the blacks in power to be. From what she has seen so far, their jibes seem to have some basis in the truth. Not long after, she reads a newspaper article by a black columnist who is deriding the attitude of these people. He claims that they are ignorant and don’t they know that the ‘falling over’ was actually part of the dance? If they can’t be bothered to learn about the traditions of the Zulu people, then they shouldn’t offer comment on it. Naturally, this sends the piss taking white guys into paroxysms of delight. Of course! they say, Zuma fell over in front of the world and his new wife on purpose!! How ignorant of us!
Sunday 10th Jan
Charlie, Kate and Mason go for walk so that Mason can ride his new bike. This actually involves Kate carrying the bike up hills because Mason can’t manage them with his spindly legs, and down hills because Mason is too scared to bomb down them.
After a while they sit down for a rest and to contemplate the dense jungle in the small valley below. Kate looks down on the grass and sees a strange plant growing there - as she touches it, it folds its ferny fronds in on itself. Charlie is initially reluctant to touch it, as he fears it is a Venus Fly Trap, and could quite possibly devour him whole. Mason has no such inhibitions and very soon Kate finds herself sent off to look for more of the plants while Mason and Charlie excitedly poke at them to make them close up.
Unfortunately, Kate discovers more than just the plants – a shiny black foot long millipede as thick as her finger ripples in front of her and gives her a bad case of the shudders. She ushers her little chicks home and away from Africa’s nasty creatures.
That night, Kate is dozing off in the dark, when she feels something drop onto her face. She sits up shrieking and turns on the light. There is nothing there. Rob is not amused and tells her to get a grip and go to sleep. She tries, but five minutes later she feels something scrabbling around in her hair, right next to her ear. This time she practically vaults out of the bed, but again, there is nothing to see. Rob tries to comfort her by telling her that whatever it was is now probably burrowing down her ear canal and laying eggs in the lining of her brain.
Monday 11th Jan
The Kops’ head north towards the Huhluwe National Park. They are spending two days in a game reserve. Kate has been to a game reserve on a previous trip to South Africa but can’t remember much about it. She was pregnant with Mason at the time and thinks that the very fact that she was carrying the spawn of Rob may have affected her mind somewhat. Now, she and the kids are very excited, the big five are all apparently in residence at the park and they hope to see some big cats.
As they approach the entrance to the park, they are accosted by a little group of tiny black boys wearing tatty shorts. One of them starts banging on a big oil drum with sticks and the others start shouting and doing the Zulu war dance that President Zuma was attempting to do – with considerably more flair, Kate observes. Rob thinks so too and speaks to them in Zulu and gives them a ten rand note. This equivalent of one British pound will probably feed them for a week. As they drive off, Kate starts blubbing. Rob looks at her in disbelief. Poor little things, she sobs. Charlie tells Rob that he shouldn’t laugh at mum because he too thinks it’s very sad. Rob snorts and calls them both Moffies. Mason’s eyes gleam as he rehearses his newly learnt insult in his head.
They drive through the park to the rest camp. They pass some large shiny black rocks which turn out to be hippos. They also see some rhinos, giraffe and elephants crashing through some trees. They are staying in a fairly large thatched chalet with a balcony overlooking the bush. The entrance to the rest camp is a cattle grid, and the camp itself is surrounded by a three foot high electric fence. From what Kate remembers of her previous game reserve visit, there should be a fifteen foot high fence, huge gates which close at night, and guards with rifles constantly guarding the gate. Foolishly, she points this out to Rob, who agrees, but by then it is too late, her eldest son is now convinced he will die that very night in the jaws of the king of the jungle. After much reassurance by herself and Rob, Charlie accepts that they will be safe, and that such precautions obviously aren’t necessary here. Kate and Rob have already spent the past week convincing Charlie that they aren’t going to die of malaria. The park is in a malaria area, but the doctor and a pharmacist have insisted that tablets aren’t necessary and bug spray will do for one night. Despite their assurances, Charlie has still been asking what the symptoms are, and if there’s a cure. Kate hopes it’s just a phase he’s going through.
At the chalet, after liberal applications of Deet bug spray and the donning of long sleeved garments, Rob starts a barbecue, or ‘Braai’, as he insists Kate and the kids refer to it. The barbecue itself is right next to the dense forest, and Kate thinks it’s going to get very creepy when it’s dark. They have already seen an impala wandering round near their chalet, and Kate (silently) thinks that if a bloody deer can get in, why cant a tree climbing big cat?
Darkness falls. There is no light near the braai, so Rob asks Charlie and Mason to shine the lights from their cellphones on the meat for him. Kate sits on the balcony itching and eyeing the numerous spider webs that are draped in the eaves of the thatched roof. Suddenly there is an almighty shriek from Charlie; ‘EYES!! I CAN SEE EYES IN THE BUSHES!!!’ He grabs Mason and hurtles up the stairs with his nonplussed brother. Rob shines the light from his cellphone into the bush and confirms in a nervous voice that he too can see ‘eyes’. Kate, who by now has very nearly deposited the contents of her bowels on the balcony, creeps down to see. The bushes are indeed filled with tiny green lights, which she and Rob then realise are very obviously fireflies. Rob is forbidden from taking the piss out of Charlie as they all witnessed him saying he saw the eyes too. Charlie is more relieved about this than the fact that there are no hyenas or lions gnawing on his lower leg.
They are up at the crack of crows fart the next day, as animals come out when it’s cooler. They see more rhino, more giraffe, loads of deer like things with horns, a wildebeest and buffalo. No pussy cats. Mason is particularly fascinated by a heavily pregnant zebra who is waddling along the road with a friend. Mason is going through a particularly annoying phase at the moment. He will continually ask questions about everything he sees, which in itself isn’t irritating, it’s the repeated ‘Why?’ that follows their attempts to answer his questions that drives Kate and Rob nuts. Kate’s personal favourites are; ‘Why do we need heads?’ and ‘Why does water have to be wet?’
‘How does the baby zebra come out of the mummy’s tummy?’ pipes up the curious one.
‘ He comes out of a hole in the mummy zebra’s noo-noo.’ says Kate.
‘ Is the hole very big mummy?, it must be a big hole!’
Kate assures Mason that there’s plenty of room for the baby zebra to emerge.
‘ Is there a big hole in your noo-noo mummy, for when we came out?’
Rob snorts and assures his son that there is plenty of room in mummy’s noo-noo and she could probably manage to squirt out a couple of wildebeest too if necessary.
Kate thinks that if the gods are smiling on her, then the eyes next to the braai tonight wont be fireflies…
Hooters
Monday
The weather is cloudy but warm and the Kops’ decide to visit their favourite haunt of late; a pottery, with a little café and some animals. Charlie and Mason run off to climb on the jungle gym and Rob and Kate sit outside on a table and have a cup of tea.
The pottery sells all kinds of painted crockery, like Kate used to make. She grudgingly admits it’s actually quite good stuff. There are two huge pot bellied pigs lying under a tree (Kate thinks they are possibly the ugliest creatures she’s ever seen) and a gang of turkeys strutting around. There are also a couple of ostriches, two goats, chickens, horses and a large posse of cats that sit gazing up at people with pleading eyes. There is also the obligatory troop of monkeys that swoop down on you and try to steal whatever you’re eating. When they were here last time, a huge male monkey had jumped on the table and grabbed the pot of sugar sachets, stuffed them all in his mouth, and sat there chomping and grinning at Kate whilst fondling a huge pink erection.
The monkeys are absent today, but a large ginger cat jumps up onto the table and fawns and preens around Kate begging for fuss. Kate loves cats, so she pours it a saucer of milk from the little jug. As it drinks, she starts scratching its neck and finds lots of little scabs there which she tries to pick off. The cat is besides itself with glee. ‘Cats are cool’ says Rob when it climbs onto his lap and starts kneading his groin with its paws. The waitress comes up and smiles at the cat. ‘He’s very friendly’ she says, ‘Such a shame he has AIDS’. Rob’s upper lip curls and he shoves it in Kate’s direction. Kate rushes off to the bathroom to scrub her nails.
Tuesday
Kate is horrified to discover a small snake in her garage. It’s as dead as a doornail, but Rob announces that there are probably lots more writhing baby snakes somewhere and a large mummy snake, most likely hanging in the rafters of the garage waiting to drop on her head and sink its fangs into her neck. Either that or tighten it’s snakey body around her throat until her eyes pop out. Charlie is terrified and refuses to get into the car. Kate observes that she didn’t sign up for all this freaky wildlife stuff – she’s got monkeys stealing her sanitary protection, her youngest son has a mosquito bite like a plague boil on his arm and now snakes lying in wait for her when she wants to nip down the shops. She has also noticed lots of large lacy wings blowing around in the garage, thankfully unattached to their owners, but she shudders to think how large said owners must be – and how many legs must they have? Jesus wept!
Wednesday
Kate has announced that when she gets a job, Rob must take an equal share in the cleaning duties, including the laundry. Rob had immediately raced down to the local electrical store and bought himself a tumble dryer. He also arranged for a maid to come visit on Friday. Unfortunately this means that Rob has to wait in for the delivery of the tumble dryer today. Kate takes the kids to the beach where Charlie makes some friends and spends the day playing cricket and wrestling. She’s all for the cricket, but not so sure about the near naked water wrestling that Charlie and his friends seem to be enjoying so much, it all seems a bit too ‘Spartacus’ for her liking. Mason sits in his camp chair resplendent in yellow armbands and surveys his domain. He announces he needs a wee. Kate tells him to go and climb into a large hole she has spent about an hour digging in the sand for him. He does so, bitching and moaning about having to wee in a hole. Mason is quite fastidious like that. He climbs out and resumes his observation of the beach. Charlie and his new buddies come racing up. ‘Mind my hole Charlie’ says Mason. One of the buddies jumps into the hole and starts jumping up and down in the wee. Mason looks at Kate and smirks.
Thursday
Kate and Charlie go to watch ‘Avatar’ at the cinema in Umhlanga. Charlie breathlessly declares that it’s the best film he’s ever seen. Kate tells him he says that about every film he sees. Rob and Mason come to pick them up. Rob asks Kate to drop him off at a nearby ‘restaurant’ so he can hang out with his teacher friends. Kate asks him the name of the restaurant. ‘Hooters’ Rob coughs under his breath. Kate turns in her seat to look at Rob. ‘Jesus, it’s not a strip club or anything!‘ he protests ‘Come in and see for yourself!’ Kate says she’s got better things to do, and he hops out of the car.
‘Mummy, where is Daddy going?’ enquires Mason. ‘To a strip club!’ cackles Charlie.
‘What’s a strip club? asks Mason. ‘It’s where ladies take their clothes off and dance around.’ answers Kate. ‘Will Daddy be taking his clothes off and dancing around?’ enquires her innocent angel in the back seat. ‘Hardly!’ snorts Kate and drives them home.
Rob comes home a bit later and shamefacedly admits that there were actually some waitresses with rather large breasts and small, tight T shirts at the ‘restaurant’. Kate gives him a specially selected look from her extensive repertoire and goes back to reading her book .
Friday
Rob gets up very early and drives to the gatehouse to pick up the maid who will be cleaning their house for them. He returns a few minutes later with a large black lady who seems to burst into peals of laughter at everything Kate says. For a minute, Kate thinks the lady obviously finds her highly amusing, but then realises that she is probably laughing at her lack of boobs – African women have abnormally large Babylons, as well as huge bums and pretty much everything else, as it is considered beautiful over here. Kate has heard they even gorge themselves on steroid laced chicken feed in an attempt to gain weight.
The lady’s name is Daphne. Kate’s toes curl when Rob suddenly says; ’Aha! but what’s your real name?!’ Kate waits for Daphne to whack Rob with her rather substantial handbag, but she laughs and says it’s ‘Thuli’ She actually says a very long African sounding name but she says that’s what she’s called at home. She seems very pleased that Rob wants to call her by her African name. He explains later that the black people usually have an African name and a more ‘Western’ name. He reckons this came about during Apartheid when the ‘Ignorant whities’ couldn’t be bothered with the often quite tricky to pronounce African names.
Rob and Tuli start talking business. Rob wants her to come in for two half days to clean up the Kops detritus. Thuli hums and haas – she lives a long way away and has to take one of those horrible white taxis which costs her R20 and the walk from the gate to the house? Yo yo yo!. Two half days isn’t worth her while. Rob agrees to a day and a half, but the pay includes the bus fare. ‘Oh, we can pay the bus fare!’ trills Kate, who has been earwigging. Rob glares at her. ‘Yes well, my other employers do pay my bus fare…’ says Thuli. Rob ends up agreeing to double what he originally intended to pay, and he’ll pay the bus fare. Kate is now forbidden to be within twenty feet of any negotiations with the domestic staff.
Thuli goes to the bathroom and emerges resplendent in a rather natty fuscia pink housecoat. She then begins swinging her ample hips around the house, humming as she sweeps. As Kate makes her a cup of tea (three sugars) she asks if she should call Kate ‘Madam’ Kate nearly chokes on her biscuit and assures Thuli that ‘Kate’ is fine.
They go to the pool to get out of Thuli’s way while she cleans. Rob takes a box of wine in a cooler and some drink for the kids. After one glass, Kate is hammered as usual. A couple come up to the pool with their kids. They seem very nice. Kate does her best not to sound like a loud mouthed South London fishwife as she tends to do when pissed. She manages not to swear and is feeling quite pleased with herself. All of a sudden, Mason clambers out of the pool and says ‘MY BALL BAG HURTS!’ at the top of his voice. His swim shorts appear to be chafing the little lamb’s undercarriage. Mason demands that Rob remove his swim shorts immediately, then proceeds to strut naked around the swimming pool in a manner reminiscent of the late John Wayne. The newcomers’ four year old daughter floats in silence with her mouth hanging open. Rob puffs out his chest and nods approvingly. Kate decides that now is probably a good time to head home.
The weather is cloudy but warm and the Kops’ decide to visit their favourite haunt of late; a pottery, with a little café and some animals. Charlie and Mason run off to climb on the jungle gym and Rob and Kate sit outside on a table and have a cup of tea.
The pottery sells all kinds of painted crockery, like Kate used to make. She grudgingly admits it’s actually quite good stuff. There are two huge pot bellied pigs lying under a tree (Kate thinks they are possibly the ugliest creatures she’s ever seen) and a gang of turkeys strutting around. There are also a couple of ostriches, two goats, chickens, horses and a large posse of cats that sit gazing up at people with pleading eyes. There is also the obligatory troop of monkeys that swoop down on you and try to steal whatever you’re eating. When they were here last time, a huge male monkey had jumped on the table and grabbed the pot of sugar sachets, stuffed them all in his mouth, and sat there chomping and grinning at Kate whilst fondling a huge pink erection.
The monkeys are absent today, but a large ginger cat jumps up onto the table and fawns and preens around Kate begging for fuss. Kate loves cats, so she pours it a saucer of milk from the little jug. As it drinks, she starts scratching its neck and finds lots of little scabs there which she tries to pick off. The cat is besides itself with glee. ‘Cats are cool’ says Rob when it climbs onto his lap and starts kneading his groin with its paws. The waitress comes up and smiles at the cat. ‘He’s very friendly’ she says, ‘Such a shame he has AIDS’. Rob’s upper lip curls and he shoves it in Kate’s direction. Kate rushes off to the bathroom to scrub her nails.
Tuesday
Kate is horrified to discover a small snake in her garage. It’s as dead as a doornail, but Rob announces that there are probably lots more writhing baby snakes somewhere and a large mummy snake, most likely hanging in the rafters of the garage waiting to drop on her head and sink its fangs into her neck. Either that or tighten it’s snakey body around her throat until her eyes pop out. Charlie is terrified and refuses to get into the car. Kate observes that she didn’t sign up for all this freaky wildlife stuff – she’s got monkeys stealing her sanitary protection, her youngest son has a mosquito bite like a plague boil on his arm and now snakes lying in wait for her when she wants to nip down the shops. She has also noticed lots of large lacy wings blowing around in the garage, thankfully unattached to their owners, but she shudders to think how large said owners must be – and how many legs must they have? Jesus wept!
Wednesday
Kate has announced that when she gets a job, Rob must take an equal share in the cleaning duties, including the laundry. Rob had immediately raced down to the local electrical store and bought himself a tumble dryer. He also arranged for a maid to come visit on Friday. Unfortunately this means that Rob has to wait in for the delivery of the tumble dryer today. Kate takes the kids to the beach where Charlie makes some friends and spends the day playing cricket and wrestling. She’s all for the cricket, but not so sure about the near naked water wrestling that Charlie and his friends seem to be enjoying so much, it all seems a bit too ‘Spartacus’ for her liking. Mason sits in his camp chair resplendent in yellow armbands and surveys his domain. He announces he needs a wee. Kate tells him to go and climb into a large hole she has spent about an hour digging in the sand for him. He does so, bitching and moaning about having to wee in a hole. Mason is quite fastidious like that. He climbs out and resumes his observation of the beach. Charlie and his new buddies come racing up. ‘Mind my hole Charlie’ says Mason. One of the buddies jumps into the hole and starts jumping up and down in the wee. Mason looks at Kate and smirks.
Thursday
Kate and Charlie go to watch ‘Avatar’ at the cinema in Umhlanga. Charlie breathlessly declares that it’s the best film he’s ever seen. Kate tells him he says that about every film he sees. Rob and Mason come to pick them up. Rob asks Kate to drop him off at a nearby ‘restaurant’ so he can hang out with his teacher friends. Kate asks him the name of the restaurant. ‘Hooters’ Rob coughs under his breath. Kate turns in her seat to look at Rob. ‘Jesus, it’s not a strip club or anything!‘ he protests ‘Come in and see for yourself!’ Kate says she’s got better things to do, and he hops out of the car.
‘Mummy, where is Daddy going?’ enquires Mason. ‘To a strip club!’ cackles Charlie.
‘What’s a strip club? asks Mason. ‘It’s where ladies take their clothes off and dance around.’ answers Kate. ‘Will Daddy be taking his clothes off and dancing around?’ enquires her innocent angel in the back seat. ‘Hardly!’ snorts Kate and drives them home.
Rob comes home a bit later and shamefacedly admits that there were actually some waitresses with rather large breasts and small, tight T shirts at the ‘restaurant’. Kate gives him a specially selected look from her extensive repertoire and goes back to reading her book .
Friday
Rob gets up very early and drives to the gatehouse to pick up the maid who will be cleaning their house for them. He returns a few minutes later with a large black lady who seems to burst into peals of laughter at everything Kate says. For a minute, Kate thinks the lady obviously finds her highly amusing, but then realises that she is probably laughing at her lack of boobs – African women have abnormally large Babylons, as well as huge bums and pretty much everything else, as it is considered beautiful over here. Kate has heard they even gorge themselves on steroid laced chicken feed in an attempt to gain weight.
The lady’s name is Daphne. Kate’s toes curl when Rob suddenly says; ’Aha! but what’s your real name?!’ Kate waits for Daphne to whack Rob with her rather substantial handbag, but she laughs and says it’s ‘Thuli’ She actually says a very long African sounding name but she says that’s what she’s called at home. She seems very pleased that Rob wants to call her by her African name. He explains later that the black people usually have an African name and a more ‘Western’ name. He reckons this came about during Apartheid when the ‘Ignorant whities’ couldn’t be bothered with the often quite tricky to pronounce African names.
Rob and Tuli start talking business. Rob wants her to come in for two half days to clean up the Kops detritus. Thuli hums and haas – she lives a long way away and has to take one of those horrible white taxis which costs her R20 and the walk from the gate to the house? Yo yo yo!. Two half days isn’t worth her while. Rob agrees to a day and a half, but the pay includes the bus fare. ‘Oh, we can pay the bus fare!’ trills Kate, who has been earwigging. Rob glares at her. ‘Yes well, my other employers do pay my bus fare…’ says Thuli. Rob ends up agreeing to double what he originally intended to pay, and he’ll pay the bus fare. Kate is now forbidden to be within twenty feet of any negotiations with the domestic staff.
Thuli goes to the bathroom and emerges resplendent in a rather natty fuscia pink housecoat. She then begins swinging her ample hips around the house, humming as she sweeps. As Kate makes her a cup of tea (three sugars) she asks if she should call Kate ‘Madam’ Kate nearly chokes on her biscuit and assures Thuli that ‘Kate’ is fine.
They go to the pool to get out of Thuli’s way while she cleans. Rob takes a box of wine in a cooler and some drink for the kids. After one glass, Kate is hammered as usual. A couple come up to the pool with their kids. They seem very nice. Kate does her best not to sound like a loud mouthed South London fishwife as she tends to do when pissed. She manages not to swear and is feeling quite pleased with herself. All of a sudden, Mason clambers out of the pool and says ‘MY BALL BAG HURTS!’ at the top of his voice. His swim shorts appear to be chafing the little lamb’s undercarriage. Mason demands that Rob remove his swim shorts immediately, then proceeds to strut naked around the swimming pool in a manner reminiscent of the late John Wayne. The newcomers’ four year old daughter floats in silence with her mouth hanging open. Rob puffs out his chest and nods approvingly. Kate decides that now is probably a good time to head home.
Mr Arbee
Sunday
The Kops’ get up. Kate says she can’t possibly go to the gym today because all her sports bras are in the wash. Rob says the sports bras are a wasted cause anyway as Kates’ norgs cant possibly go any further south than they are. As always, Kate mentally stores Robs’ comments for future use, to be brought up when Rob really wants something, like his back scratched, or to be allowed to play golf.
They get in the car and head towards a town called Tongaat. Rob has arranged to look at a car as a possible ‘runaround’. It’s a yellow VW beach buggy that they found on gumtree.com and while the cool factor for this car is undoubtedly high, Kate doesn’t want her kids bouncing out onto the road because it’s a bit too beach buggy-ish. She imagines she’ll feel like something from a Scooby Doo cartoon in it.
Tongaat is a couple of miles away from Balitto and has a high Indian population with quite a few poor blacks. It reminds Kate of Tooting, and despite the ramshackle shops and tatty looking buggers on the streets she likes it. The man with the car is a skinny Indian called Mr Arbee who is very softly spoken and smiley. Kate thinks he has a kind of benevolent Ghandi look about him, with his calf length baggy trousers and sandals. What a sweet little man she thinks. Rob thinks he looks like an Al Quaeda operative..
Mr Arbee is very honest and says that there’s a few things that need doing to the car before it’ll pass its ‘Roadworthy’ or MOT, but says he’ll sort that out for us if we decide to take it. The Kops’ pile in for a test drive and head off down the road. The sun is shining and the sky is blue. They are whizzing through beautiful green tropical countryside. What a fabulous car thinks Kate.
Hmmm. There are no seatbelts in the buggy. Mason is on Kate’s lap in the front seat and Charlie is grizzling in the back because there’s no room for his ever lengthening storky legs. Kate says that there’s not supposed to be that much room, and in a few years time he’ll be glad to drive around looking all tanned and blond and buff, with a legion of hot chicks hanging out of the back. Charlie stops grizzling. Kate starts grizzling because she’s got a wet bum from the seat. (the car has no rag top) and says that will have to be sorted as she cant be sitting around in wet knickers every time she pops out to the shops.
Rob attempts to shut her up by turning into a leafy lane, and telling her to have a drive.
Kate hops into the drivers seat and as she puts the gear into reverse, feels an ominous clunk. She can’t get the car to reverse, it’ll only go into first. Shit, she thinks, I’ve broken the bloody car. Robs lips go all thin and folded up and he gives her his ‘This has happened because you are a female and therefore incompetent’ look. Kate returns this with a counter-look that would send the testicles of normal men scuttling back up inside their body cavities. Rob, however, is now immune to this form of attack and grunts at her to let him drive. Right, like he’ll be able to make it go, thinks Kate.
Rob can’t make it go, well he can, but the car won’t get out of first gear as they crawl back along the road, the engine screaming in pain. “THERE’S A KAFFIR TAXI BEHIND US!” screams Charlie. Kate tells him not to use that word but goes pale as she looks behind her and sees about six of them lined up behind them. She can see the guy in the front one bouncing up and down, eyes rolling. Arms are waving around out of the windows, making what Kate assumes are rude Zulu gestures. These bloody taxis engender the same kind of response in a human being as a great white shark might do if it came up behind you when snorkelling. They have the same capacity to cause death and destruction.
Kate hears Rob cursing and turns around. Up ahead is a police roadblock and they are waved at to stop and pull over. Kate feels relieved. She would rather face a nice friendly policeman than deal with the nasty mini vans behind them. Rob stops the car and a fat, sweaty looking black policeman approaches them. His uniform looks like it could do with a boilwash and Kate certainly feels none of the usual stirrings of lust that the sight of a man in uniform usually creates in her. Mason’s eyes are bulging out of his head with glee and delight. A real live policeman!! Perhaps this one will take him for a nice ride in his car like the ones in England did when Daddy totalled the Ford Focus!!
The policeman starts berating Rob for driving a car without a tax disc and license plate and seatbelts. He asks Rob questions then when Rob tries to answer he cuts him off with more shouting. Kate is horrified! What a rude little man! Kate hopes his wife knows how to deal with him! There’s no Please Sir/Madam like you’d get from a nice English traffic cop, thinks Kate wistfully, and the English ones look sooo much nicer in their uniforms, especially the ones on motorbikes with their long leather boots….Her reverie is interrupted by Rob shouting; ‘IF YOU’LL JUST LET ME GET A WORD IN EDGEWAYS, OKE!!’ Kate feels a bit guilty, it’s usually her job to get cross with ignorant people and shout at them, should she start getting stroppy with this revolting perspiring creature? She remembers watching movies about people getting locked up in foreign jails and never being seen again and decides to keep her trap shut.
Rob produces his UK driving license. The fat policeman looks confused. He marches off to his car with the license telling Rob he’s giving him a ticket. Rob repeats his story of giving the car a test drive and the policeman tells him to give the ticket to the owner.
Rob stands there rolling his eyes at me and the kids. The policeman is rustling around with bits of paper on his bonnet looking at us now and again. Charlie is trembling in the back seat. Mason says he doesn’t like the beach buggy and wants a poo. The policeman finishes his rustling, comes over and hands Rob his license back and says he’s letting him off with a warning. ‘But don’t let mee see thees cah on thee road ehgen…. thees theeng, she ees naht roadwortheee!’
As they crawl back to Mr Arbee in first gear, Kate asks what that was all about. Rob says one of two things; either the cop was confused by Rob’s UK license and was too lazy to deal with the hassle of finding out how to issue a ticket with it, or he had no intention of giving us a ticket and was waiting for a bribe. Rob says it was probably the latter. Kate’s mouth hangs open in indignation. Unattractive, poorly dressed and corrupt! Kate doesn’t think much of the SA police force so far! They don’t buy the car.
The Kops’ get up. Kate says she can’t possibly go to the gym today because all her sports bras are in the wash. Rob says the sports bras are a wasted cause anyway as Kates’ norgs cant possibly go any further south than they are. As always, Kate mentally stores Robs’ comments for future use, to be brought up when Rob really wants something, like his back scratched, or to be allowed to play golf.
They get in the car and head towards a town called Tongaat. Rob has arranged to look at a car as a possible ‘runaround’. It’s a yellow VW beach buggy that they found on gumtree.com and while the cool factor for this car is undoubtedly high, Kate doesn’t want her kids bouncing out onto the road because it’s a bit too beach buggy-ish. She imagines she’ll feel like something from a Scooby Doo cartoon in it.
Tongaat is a couple of miles away from Balitto and has a high Indian population with quite a few poor blacks. It reminds Kate of Tooting, and despite the ramshackle shops and tatty looking buggers on the streets she likes it. The man with the car is a skinny Indian called Mr Arbee who is very softly spoken and smiley. Kate thinks he has a kind of benevolent Ghandi look about him, with his calf length baggy trousers and sandals. What a sweet little man she thinks. Rob thinks he looks like an Al Quaeda operative..
Mr Arbee is very honest and says that there’s a few things that need doing to the car before it’ll pass its ‘Roadworthy’ or MOT, but says he’ll sort that out for us if we decide to take it. The Kops’ pile in for a test drive and head off down the road. The sun is shining and the sky is blue. They are whizzing through beautiful green tropical countryside. What a fabulous car thinks Kate.
Hmmm. There are no seatbelts in the buggy. Mason is on Kate’s lap in the front seat and Charlie is grizzling in the back because there’s no room for his ever lengthening storky legs. Kate says that there’s not supposed to be that much room, and in a few years time he’ll be glad to drive around looking all tanned and blond and buff, with a legion of hot chicks hanging out of the back. Charlie stops grizzling. Kate starts grizzling because she’s got a wet bum from the seat. (the car has no rag top) and says that will have to be sorted as she cant be sitting around in wet knickers every time she pops out to the shops.
Rob attempts to shut her up by turning into a leafy lane, and telling her to have a drive.
Kate hops into the drivers seat and as she puts the gear into reverse, feels an ominous clunk. She can’t get the car to reverse, it’ll only go into first. Shit, she thinks, I’ve broken the bloody car. Robs lips go all thin and folded up and he gives her his ‘This has happened because you are a female and therefore incompetent’ look. Kate returns this with a counter-look that would send the testicles of normal men scuttling back up inside their body cavities. Rob, however, is now immune to this form of attack and grunts at her to let him drive. Right, like he’ll be able to make it go, thinks Kate.
Rob can’t make it go, well he can, but the car won’t get out of first gear as they crawl back along the road, the engine screaming in pain. “THERE’S A KAFFIR TAXI BEHIND US!” screams Charlie. Kate tells him not to use that word but goes pale as she looks behind her and sees about six of them lined up behind them. She can see the guy in the front one bouncing up and down, eyes rolling. Arms are waving around out of the windows, making what Kate assumes are rude Zulu gestures. These bloody taxis engender the same kind of response in a human being as a great white shark might do if it came up behind you when snorkelling. They have the same capacity to cause death and destruction.
Kate hears Rob cursing and turns around. Up ahead is a police roadblock and they are waved at to stop and pull over. Kate feels relieved. She would rather face a nice friendly policeman than deal with the nasty mini vans behind them. Rob stops the car and a fat, sweaty looking black policeman approaches them. His uniform looks like it could do with a boilwash and Kate certainly feels none of the usual stirrings of lust that the sight of a man in uniform usually creates in her. Mason’s eyes are bulging out of his head with glee and delight. A real live policeman!! Perhaps this one will take him for a nice ride in his car like the ones in England did when Daddy totalled the Ford Focus!!
The policeman starts berating Rob for driving a car without a tax disc and license plate and seatbelts. He asks Rob questions then when Rob tries to answer he cuts him off with more shouting. Kate is horrified! What a rude little man! Kate hopes his wife knows how to deal with him! There’s no Please Sir/Madam like you’d get from a nice English traffic cop, thinks Kate wistfully, and the English ones look sooo much nicer in their uniforms, especially the ones on motorbikes with their long leather boots….Her reverie is interrupted by Rob shouting; ‘IF YOU’LL JUST LET ME GET A WORD IN EDGEWAYS, OKE!!’ Kate feels a bit guilty, it’s usually her job to get cross with ignorant people and shout at them, should she start getting stroppy with this revolting perspiring creature? She remembers watching movies about people getting locked up in foreign jails and never being seen again and decides to keep her trap shut.
Rob produces his UK driving license. The fat policeman looks confused. He marches off to his car with the license telling Rob he’s giving him a ticket. Rob repeats his story of giving the car a test drive and the policeman tells him to give the ticket to the owner.
Rob stands there rolling his eyes at me and the kids. The policeman is rustling around with bits of paper on his bonnet looking at us now and again. Charlie is trembling in the back seat. Mason says he doesn’t like the beach buggy and wants a poo. The policeman finishes his rustling, comes over and hands Rob his license back and says he’s letting him off with a warning. ‘But don’t let mee see thees cah on thee road ehgen…. thees theeng, she ees naht roadwortheee!’
As they crawl back to Mr Arbee in first gear, Kate asks what that was all about. Rob says one of two things; either the cop was confused by Rob’s UK license and was too lazy to deal with the hassle of finding out how to issue a ticket with it, or he had no intention of giving us a ticket and was waiting for a bribe. Rob says it was probably the latter. Kate’s mouth hangs open in indignation. Unattractive, poorly dressed and corrupt! Kate doesn’t think much of the SA police force so far! They don’t buy the car.
South Africans
Saturday 2nd Jan
Rob wakes up and announces he’s feeling ‘Krom’. Kate thinks this is probably a good time to go to the gym. Whilst on the crosstrainer, surrounded by grunting Afrikaaners, she contemplates what she has learnt so far about her new compatriates.
From what she can gather, South Africans fall into several categories.
• Poor Blacks. These apparently make up around 90% of the population. They are largely uneducated and either have no job, or work in supermarkets or gas stations. Despite Apartheid having ended 15 odd years ago, some of these unfortunate buggers still live in shacks in townships outside of the major towns and cities. Kate sees them as she’s driving, walking along the roads with their kids. Most don’t have cars and travel in what Rob calls Kaffir Taxis, which seem to be driven by loonies. These white minibuses scare Kate and she’s often hearing horror stories about them crashing and killing all their occupants.
Despite their low social status, Kate finds these people to be very friendly and always smiling. The gardeners and security guards on her estate always wave at her and Rob has made friends with a guy called Wiseman who he keeps threatening with Kate’s leftover curry. Wiseman came to the door with a pair of Mason’s tiny pants that had blown off the balcony the other day.
Indeed, the big old African mommas seem particularly taken with Mason, and whenever Kate is in a shop, they laugh at him and sweep him up to nestle against their ample bosoms, clucking and fawning as they whirl him round . Kate finds this amusing –if a stranger grabbed Mason in the UK, Kate would screech at them and do her best to club them unconscious in defence of her tiny cub. Here, she has no problem with these lovely old women carrying him off to look at stuff in the shop she happens to be in. Mason endures these occasions with his little paws clutching at their vast mammaries and a beatific smile on his face.
Also in this group are what Rob calls the ‘Scabengas’; basically good for nothing crims who survive by picking pockets, mugging, robbing and hijacking from the whites. Kate has seen these little gangs in Johannesburg, hanging around at traffic lights and pestering people in their cars, but they don’t seem to be as bad in Durban and definitely not in Balitto.
• Wealthy blacks. This group are better educated than the poor blacks, but only just. They have benefited from ‘Affirmitive Action’ and hold jobs that they aren’t trained for, resulting in a generally crap service in banks, offices and any establishment requiring any kind of admin. This seems to make their white co workers ever so slightly pissed off that they are receiving comparable wages to these people, who have only got the job in order to fulfil a government quota, not because they are in any way capable.
Kate doesn’t understand why the new black government didn’t spend money on schools and education when apartheid ended. Rob says that the government was as corrupt then as it is now and siphoned off the money meant for the ‘New South Africa’ and spent it on big cars and houses.
This group of South Africans certainly aren’t as friendly as their smiling poor black brothers and Kate has hissed and cursed at many an arrogant fat arsed black woman as they have knocked into one of the kids when walking about town and just turned up their nose at them. Now that they have achieved a relatively equal status to the whites, this little group seem to have acquired a massive chip on their collective shoulders. They remind Kate of the teeth kissing, race card players that would shoulder barge their way around the Whitgift Centre back in the day.
• White ‘Englishmen’. Rob falls into this group. Kate doesn’t know enough about South African history, but apparently some Dutchmen had some big old barney with some Englishmen, but they still all ended up here anyway and shat all over the natives for years. The Englishmen still have a dodgy accent but English is their first language, although all South African kids used to have to learn Afrikaans at school like the Brits have to learn French or Spanish. For some reason, this lot, when they are about 25 yrs old, all bugger off to England, settle down in Earlsfield, knock up our women, then come back to the Motherland when they realise that England has shite weather and everyone is a miserable bastard. Unfortunately, some really should have kept it in their pants and come back with more than they bargained for. Ha Ha!!
• White ‘Dutchmen’ or Afrikaaners. These are a funny lot. The men are usually fat and red faced and sport a dodgy mullet. They wear weird little moccasins called ‘veldskoens’ and usually play rugby. They speak a version of Dutch, which sounds far too much like German for Kate’s liking. She’s glad it’s not compulsory in schools any more as she’s sure Granny and Grandad wouldn’t approve of Charlie and Mason speaking the language of the Hun.
Most Afrikaaners are very religious and have very well disciplined children. Rob says that dating an Afrikaans girl was fairly pointless – you could never get your leg over as their dads’ where always waiting on the porch with a shotgun in a rocking chair whenever you brought her home.
These people are kind of blonde and Scandinavian looking. Most of the young girlies are what Charlie would describe as ‘Hotties’, unfortunately, once they get married and have kids they begin a rapid descent into sagginess and the caking on of trowel loads of hideous orange make up. Bit like the Italians really.
• Indians. There are hundreds of these guys in and around Durban. They’ve obviously been here for generations, but Kate doesn’t get why they’d emigrate from India to South Africa during Apartheid. Kate guesses they would have been classed as ‘blacks ‘ during that era, but there don’t seem to be any Indian townships like there are black ones. Rob says that during apartheid they got preferential treatment and were allowed to buy businesses etc to help he economy. The Indians seem to do well for themselves and if they have the same work ethic as the ones in the UK, that may well explain the lack of Indian ‘Scabengas’. Kate has found them to be a bit arrogant though, especially the women, who are on a par with the wealthy black women for looking at her and the kids like they’re boils on the arse of their country. Charlie especially has developed a dislike for these large, sari clad females who walk in front of him in huge family groups of at least five abreast at about 0.4 mph. Their kids are especially odious. Charlie can’t abide a bratty child.
• Coloureds or ‘Cape Coloureds’. Kate doesn’t really get this lot. They’re obviously mixed race, but Kate has never seen a mixed couple walking down the street together – it just isn’t done, (not like in bloody Croydon!) From what she can make out, they are the progeny of affluent white men and malaysian womenere’s more of them around Capetown, hence the name.
Rob seems to find these people highly amusing and imitates their distinctive accent. Kate has also heard a radio advert taking the piss out of them and has come to the conclusion that they are a bit of object of ridicule over here – a bit like the Irish or Chavs are in England.
Kate returns from the gym. Rob appears to be genuinely poorly so she takes the kids out for the afternoon to give him some peace. Upon their return, Rob is stumbling around claiming that there were five monkeys sitting on the kitchen counter looking at him. Privately, (given Rob’s tendency to exaggerate) Kate thinks that a single monkey probably popped its head up over the balcony for a look.
As she goes outside onto the balcony for a sneaky fag however, one of her stolen tampax is hurled at her from an invisible assailant on the roof. The monkeys obviously want war.
Rob wakes up and announces he’s feeling ‘Krom’. Kate thinks this is probably a good time to go to the gym. Whilst on the crosstrainer, surrounded by grunting Afrikaaners, she contemplates what she has learnt so far about her new compatriates.
From what she can gather, South Africans fall into several categories.
• Poor Blacks. These apparently make up around 90% of the population. They are largely uneducated and either have no job, or work in supermarkets or gas stations. Despite Apartheid having ended 15 odd years ago, some of these unfortunate buggers still live in shacks in townships outside of the major towns and cities. Kate sees them as she’s driving, walking along the roads with their kids. Most don’t have cars and travel in what Rob calls Kaffir Taxis, which seem to be driven by loonies. These white minibuses scare Kate and she’s often hearing horror stories about them crashing and killing all their occupants.
Despite their low social status, Kate finds these people to be very friendly and always smiling. The gardeners and security guards on her estate always wave at her and Rob has made friends with a guy called Wiseman who he keeps threatening with Kate’s leftover curry. Wiseman came to the door with a pair of Mason’s tiny pants that had blown off the balcony the other day.
Indeed, the big old African mommas seem particularly taken with Mason, and whenever Kate is in a shop, they laugh at him and sweep him up to nestle against their ample bosoms, clucking and fawning as they whirl him round . Kate finds this amusing –if a stranger grabbed Mason in the UK, Kate would screech at them and do her best to club them unconscious in defence of her tiny cub. Here, she has no problem with these lovely old women carrying him off to look at stuff in the shop she happens to be in. Mason endures these occasions with his little paws clutching at their vast mammaries and a beatific smile on his face.
Also in this group are what Rob calls the ‘Scabengas’; basically good for nothing crims who survive by picking pockets, mugging, robbing and hijacking from the whites. Kate has seen these little gangs in Johannesburg, hanging around at traffic lights and pestering people in their cars, but they don’t seem to be as bad in Durban and definitely not in Balitto.
• Wealthy blacks. This group are better educated than the poor blacks, but only just. They have benefited from ‘Affirmitive Action’ and hold jobs that they aren’t trained for, resulting in a generally crap service in banks, offices and any establishment requiring any kind of admin. This seems to make their white co workers ever so slightly pissed off that they are receiving comparable wages to these people, who have only got the job in order to fulfil a government quota, not because they are in any way capable.
Kate doesn’t understand why the new black government didn’t spend money on schools and education when apartheid ended. Rob says that the government was as corrupt then as it is now and siphoned off the money meant for the ‘New South Africa’ and spent it on big cars and houses.
This group of South Africans certainly aren’t as friendly as their smiling poor black brothers and Kate has hissed and cursed at many an arrogant fat arsed black woman as they have knocked into one of the kids when walking about town and just turned up their nose at them. Now that they have achieved a relatively equal status to the whites, this little group seem to have acquired a massive chip on their collective shoulders. They remind Kate of the teeth kissing, race card players that would shoulder barge their way around the Whitgift Centre back in the day.
• White ‘Englishmen’. Rob falls into this group. Kate doesn’t know enough about South African history, but apparently some Dutchmen had some big old barney with some Englishmen, but they still all ended up here anyway and shat all over the natives for years. The Englishmen still have a dodgy accent but English is their first language, although all South African kids used to have to learn Afrikaans at school like the Brits have to learn French or Spanish. For some reason, this lot, when they are about 25 yrs old, all bugger off to England, settle down in Earlsfield, knock up our women, then come back to the Motherland when they realise that England has shite weather and everyone is a miserable bastard. Unfortunately, some really should have kept it in their pants and come back with more than they bargained for. Ha Ha!!
• White ‘Dutchmen’ or Afrikaaners. These are a funny lot. The men are usually fat and red faced and sport a dodgy mullet. They wear weird little moccasins called ‘veldskoens’ and usually play rugby. They speak a version of Dutch, which sounds far too much like German for Kate’s liking. She’s glad it’s not compulsory in schools any more as she’s sure Granny and Grandad wouldn’t approve of Charlie and Mason speaking the language of the Hun.
Most Afrikaaners are very religious and have very well disciplined children. Rob says that dating an Afrikaans girl was fairly pointless – you could never get your leg over as their dads’ where always waiting on the porch with a shotgun in a rocking chair whenever you brought her home.
These people are kind of blonde and Scandinavian looking. Most of the young girlies are what Charlie would describe as ‘Hotties’, unfortunately, once they get married and have kids they begin a rapid descent into sagginess and the caking on of trowel loads of hideous orange make up. Bit like the Italians really.
• Indians. There are hundreds of these guys in and around Durban. They’ve obviously been here for generations, but Kate doesn’t get why they’d emigrate from India to South Africa during Apartheid. Kate guesses they would have been classed as ‘blacks ‘ during that era, but there don’t seem to be any Indian townships like there are black ones. Rob says that during apartheid they got preferential treatment and were allowed to buy businesses etc to help he economy. The Indians seem to do well for themselves and if they have the same work ethic as the ones in the UK, that may well explain the lack of Indian ‘Scabengas’. Kate has found them to be a bit arrogant though, especially the women, who are on a par with the wealthy black women for looking at her and the kids like they’re boils on the arse of their country. Charlie especially has developed a dislike for these large, sari clad females who walk in front of him in huge family groups of at least five abreast at about 0.4 mph. Their kids are especially odious. Charlie can’t abide a bratty child.
• Coloureds or ‘Cape Coloureds’. Kate doesn’t really get this lot. They’re obviously mixed race, but Kate has never seen a mixed couple walking down the street together – it just isn’t done, (not like in bloody Croydon!) From what she can make out, they are the progeny of affluent white men and malaysian womenere’s more of them around Capetown, hence the name.
Rob seems to find these people highly amusing and imitates their distinctive accent. Kate has also heard a radio advert taking the piss out of them and has come to the conclusion that they are a bit of object of ridicule over here – a bit like the Irish or Chavs are in England.
Kate returns from the gym. Rob appears to be genuinely poorly so she takes the kids out for the afternoon to give him some peace. Upon their return, Rob is stumbling around claiming that there were five monkeys sitting on the kitchen counter looking at him. Privately, (given Rob’s tendency to exaggerate) Kate thinks that a single monkey probably popped its head up over the balcony for a look.
As she goes outside onto the balcony for a sneaky fag however, one of her stolen tampax is hurled at her from an invisible assailant on the roof. The monkeys obviously want war.
Cricket and Stanley
Monday
Rob decides to take Charlie to Kingsmead in Durban to watch the Saffas annihilate the Poms in the test match. Charlie takes a little South African flag with him. It’s actually Mason’s, given to him tentatively by a lady in a shop in an attempt to thwart a tantrum that he was having.
Charlie decides he wants to get autographs. He’s never heard of any of the South African team so Rob reluctantly agrees to allow him to try and get some England ones. Rob spies the Sky TV crew and sends Charlie over with instructions to be polite. Ian Botham, David Gower and co. are besieged by Barmy Army spawn, all shouting OI BEEFY! and the like. Charlie’s earnest cries of ‘Mr Botham!, Mr Pollock!’ are like balm to their senses and Charlie swiftly acquires the scribbles of five ex England Captains. Rob grits his teeth.
Kate and Mason are at home. There are only three channels on the TV as they don’t have cable yet. Kate suggests to Mason that they try and see if they can see Daddy and Charlie at the cricket game which seems to be shown on all three. They can’t see them. The monkeys arrive on the balcony and Kate guiltily decides to feed them a plum in an attempt to entertain Mason, even though she has been forbidden to do so by Rob.
This form of entertainment doesn’t last long, as a huge beast with swaying blue jewels runs up to her and grabs said plum out of her hands. The old lady next door watches from her balcony and clucks disapprovingly.
The Poms batter the Saffas and Rob says that if Kate’s Dad phones, he’s not in.
Tuesday
The Kops’ go to a reptile farm just down the road. Upon arrival they enter a barn type building where two large Afrikaans looking men are lounging on a dirty sofa, one of whom seems to have only one leg. Kate wonders if one of the reptiles ate it. They are shown around by a young lady of a dusky complexion called Maria, who impresses Rob with her knowledge of all things scaly. The kids love the reptiles, but Kate can see Rob getting very twitchy as they go into the snake house. Maria proudly shows them a Black Mamba which eyes them beadily. Maria says that if one bites you, the poison will kill you in three minutes. Kate asks if there’s anything that you can do. Maria says that you should lie down and cross your arms over your chest so that it’s easier to get you into your coffin.
Wednesday
Rob is playing golf with a friend who works at his school. Kate hopes that the friend knows a plastic surgeon and can put in a good word for her on the job front. The sooner she gets her tits done the better she reckons.
Kate and the kids go to Gateway, aka ‘The biggest shopping mall in the Southern Hemisphere’ Kate isn’t really impressed by this. Where else are they likely to have malls in the Southern Hemisphere? The Aussies and Kiwis don’t seem to be leading the fashion pack right now and probably slaughter small animals they find in their gardens for food, why would they need a mall anyway? Asia? they all walk around bare foot in their nighties and live on curry, nope, no likely competitors there!
The mall is huge and packed due to the holiday. The shops aren’t as fabulous as in the UK - no Zara or FCUK, where is Kate supposed to achieve her shopping high?
They go into a petshop so Mason can look at the animals. Ten minutes later they emerge with a baby blue ringnecked parakeet with cage and accessories. Charlie is looking concerned and assures Kate that Rob will go mad as they aren’t supposed to have pets in their rather elegant house. Kate huffs that she doesn’t care and that part of the deal was that the kids had a pet, and anyway, what damage is a tiny bird going to do? Mason eyes the bird hungrily.
They arrive home half an hour later. The bird has managed to deposit large swathes of crap down the passenger seat of Rob’s pride and joy – their new Toyota. Kate quickly cleans it up. Rob staggers in with his golf buddy who has been plying him with beers on the golf course. Charlie’s eyes are large as Rob spots the bird. A bird! Cool! exclaims Rob. Charlie exhales and Kate looks smug. Mason sits on the couch investigating his willy.
Thursday
The baby parakeet has been christened Stanley by the Kops’. It is 14 weeks old and still has to be fed cereal from a spoon. Kate does this but gets very frustrated when the bird dribbles his cereal all over his chest. He makes no move to groom it away, so Kate grabs it and gives it a sponge bath. She says no member of this household is going to sit covered in their own muck. Rob starts giving odds on the bird pegging it within a month. Charlie’s eyes go all wide again.
The Kops’ go to the beach as the day is hot and the sky is blue. It’s packed, but they find a spot next to a tidal pool where kids seem to be having a whale of a time. Mason floats around in his arm bands and Charlie goes off with his boogie board, eyeing up a few young hotties on the way. He has been doing stuff like this a lot recently, in addition to insisting that Kate look at the hairs on his balls to see if more have grown (there is one fluffy little hair from what Kate can see.) he has also taken to pointing out the nipples of various young ladies who have foolishly ventured out braless. Kate has told him she’s not interested in the chest furniture of teenage girls and to keep his observations to himself. Rob has told him to point out any braless women to him too, but warned him not to play with his willy too much or his legs will drop off.
Kate looks at the people on the beach. She tells Rob that for such a sporting, fit nation, she’s not very impressed with the state of the South African men. They’re all so fat! How can they strut around like peacocks with their huge bellies hanging over their shorts like that? The only male who looks like he cares about his body is blatantly gay. Kate sighs, it’s always the gays who are the fit ones.
Rob says that this is the family beach and the men on here have all been fattened up by their wives so that other women won’t look at them. All the real men are at the beach further down. It’s the fault of the wives, Rob confirms. Kate notices that he sucks in his belly and puffs out his chest as he goes to float with Mason.
At home, Rob and Kate bemoan having no babysitter for the New Year celebrations. Kate says never mind, we can get pissed at home! Rob cheers up at this, he obviously thinks his luck is in tonight! He scuttles off to the liquor store, where he has to queue for ages behind lines of the duskily complected ones.
Kate is making seafood pasta for dinner. She starts knocking back the white wine and at around seven o’clock, she is hammered. Rob rolls his eyes and sends her to bed with Mason who is pleased that he now has someone who will reply in kind when he chunters nonsense at them. Rob and Charlie decide to see the New Year in together. They both end up going to bed around ten.
Kate is woken up just before midnight by Mason, who is snivelling by the side of their bed saying “ I is a little bit scared.” Rob dutifully gets up and stumbles into Mason’s room and into his bed. Mason gets into bed with Kate and starts demanding apple juice ‘bot bots’. Eventually he falls asleep and starts kicking Kate and drooling on her in his sleep. He also snores like a blocked drain.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Friday
Kate wakes up and exhausts her supply of Nurofen Plus. She surveys her African domain. The vast tiled floors are covered in muck and it needs a mop. Stanley has somehow managed to angle his puckered little birdy arse out of his cage and managed to deposit a large moist turd on the floor. He glares at Kate balefully from his cage and she begins to wish she could sell him on Ebay like all her other unwanted purchases.
Kate has swept and mopped the floors three times since they’ve been here and each time has ended up dripping with sweat. Each time Rob has cheerfully informed her that she smells like a ‘Mine Kaffir’. Kate tells Rob it’s his turn. As expected, Rob starts grumbling on about how it’s her job because he goes out and works for a living. Kate points out that he doesn’t actually start til the 19th of Jan and to get off his arse and get on with it.
Kate, Charlie and Mason lie on her bed. Charlie reads his book and Kate reads Mason a story about a tickly sheep. They can hear Rob grunting, swearing and cursing as he attempts to sweep the floor. He shouts out that Kate’s long hairs are everywhere and keep getting stuck to the broom and blowing around. Kate shouts back that she’s quite happy to cut all her hair really short like she did once before and look like a lesbian again. Rob shuts up for five minutes as he has seen the photos of the lesbian haircut, but the banging about gets louder. He marches in and announces that he’s going to pay a ‘Black’ to come in and do this twice a week because Whites shouldn’t have to do this type of work. Kate considers this and realises that Rob has been quite happy for this ‘White’ to hoover up his shit and pick his dirty pants up for the past five years. She decides to keep her gob shut as she quite likes the idea of someone else getting hot, sweaty and smelly besides herself.
Rob goes back to his cursing and chuntering. Kate and Charlie roll their eyes at each other. Kate, deciding to further Charlie’s knowledge of adult relationships, tells him that this is a well known trick employed by adult males when they want to get out of household chores. They will either complain so much, or do such a slovenly job, that the adult female will undoubtedly sigh and just do the job themselves, never bothering to ask for help again. However, she tells Charlie, she is not so easily swayed, and despite her OCD impulses, is resisting the urge to grab the mop from Rob and do the job herself. Charlie, instead of congratulating his mother on her cunning and strength of resolve, gets a strange look of revelation on his face. He declares that’s the best trick he’s ever heard of, and goes back to his book. Kate realises she has just done Charlie’s future wife a grave disservice and goes back to reading about tickly sheep.
Rob decides to take Charlie to Kingsmead in Durban to watch the Saffas annihilate the Poms in the test match. Charlie takes a little South African flag with him. It’s actually Mason’s, given to him tentatively by a lady in a shop in an attempt to thwart a tantrum that he was having.
Charlie decides he wants to get autographs. He’s never heard of any of the South African team so Rob reluctantly agrees to allow him to try and get some England ones. Rob spies the Sky TV crew and sends Charlie over with instructions to be polite. Ian Botham, David Gower and co. are besieged by Barmy Army spawn, all shouting OI BEEFY! and the like. Charlie’s earnest cries of ‘Mr Botham!, Mr Pollock!’ are like balm to their senses and Charlie swiftly acquires the scribbles of five ex England Captains. Rob grits his teeth.
Kate and Mason are at home. There are only three channels on the TV as they don’t have cable yet. Kate suggests to Mason that they try and see if they can see Daddy and Charlie at the cricket game which seems to be shown on all three. They can’t see them. The monkeys arrive on the balcony and Kate guiltily decides to feed them a plum in an attempt to entertain Mason, even though she has been forbidden to do so by Rob.
This form of entertainment doesn’t last long, as a huge beast with swaying blue jewels runs up to her and grabs said plum out of her hands. The old lady next door watches from her balcony and clucks disapprovingly.
The Poms batter the Saffas and Rob says that if Kate’s Dad phones, he’s not in.
Tuesday
The Kops’ go to a reptile farm just down the road. Upon arrival they enter a barn type building where two large Afrikaans looking men are lounging on a dirty sofa, one of whom seems to have only one leg. Kate wonders if one of the reptiles ate it. They are shown around by a young lady of a dusky complexion called Maria, who impresses Rob with her knowledge of all things scaly. The kids love the reptiles, but Kate can see Rob getting very twitchy as they go into the snake house. Maria proudly shows them a Black Mamba which eyes them beadily. Maria says that if one bites you, the poison will kill you in three minutes. Kate asks if there’s anything that you can do. Maria says that you should lie down and cross your arms over your chest so that it’s easier to get you into your coffin.
Wednesday
Rob is playing golf with a friend who works at his school. Kate hopes that the friend knows a plastic surgeon and can put in a good word for her on the job front. The sooner she gets her tits done the better she reckons.
Kate and the kids go to Gateway, aka ‘The biggest shopping mall in the Southern Hemisphere’ Kate isn’t really impressed by this. Where else are they likely to have malls in the Southern Hemisphere? The Aussies and Kiwis don’t seem to be leading the fashion pack right now and probably slaughter small animals they find in their gardens for food, why would they need a mall anyway? Asia? they all walk around bare foot in their nighties and live on curry, nope, no likely competitors there!
The mall is huge and packed due to the holiday. The shops aren’t as fabulous as in the UK - no Zara or FCUK, where is Kate supposed to achieve her shopping high?
They go into a petshop so Mason can look at the animals. Ten minutes later they emerge with a baby blue ringnecked parakeet with cage and accessories. Charlie is looking concerned and assures Kate that Rob will go mad as they aren’t supposed to have pets in their rather elegant house. Kate huffs that she doesn’t care and that part of the deal was that the kids had a pet, and anyway, what damage is a tiny bird going to do? Mason eyes the bird hungrily.
They arrive home half an hour later. The bird has managed to deposit large swathes of crap down the passenger seat of Rob’s pride and joy – their new Toyota. Kate quickly cleans it up. Rob staggers in with his golf buddy who has been plying him with beers on the golf course. Charlie’s eyes are large as Rob spots the bird. A bird! Cool! exclaims Rob. Charlie exhales and Kate looks smug. Mason sits on the couch investigating his willy.
Thursday
The baby parakeet has been christened Stanley by the Kops’. It is 14 weeks old and still has to be fed cereal from a spoon. Kate does this but gets very frustrated when the bird dribbles his cereal all over his chest. He makes no move to groom it away, so Kate grabs it and gives it a sponge bath. She says no member of this household is going to sit covered in their own muck. Rob starts giving odds on the bird pegging it within a month. Charlie’s eyes go all wide again.
The Kops’ go to the beach as the day is hot and the sky is blue. It’s packed, but they find a spot next to a tidal pool where kids seem to be having a whale of a time. Mason floats around in his arm bands and Charlie goes off with his boogie board, eyeing up a few young hotties on the way. He has been doing stuff like this a lot recently, in addition to insisting that Kate look at the hairs on his balls to see if more have grown (there is one fluffy little hair from what Kate can see.) he has also taken to pointing out the nipples of various young ladies who have foolishly ventured out braless. Kate has told him she’s not interested in the chest furniture of teenage girls and to keep his observations to himself. Rob has told him to point out any braless women to him too, but warned him not to play with his willy too much or his legs will drop off.
Kate looks at the people on the beach. She tells Rob that for such a sporting, fit nation, she’s not very impressed with the state of the South African men. They’re all so fat! How can they strut around like peacocks with their huge bellies hanging over their shorts like that? The only male who looks like he cares about his body is blatantly gay. Kate sighs, it’s always the gays who are the fit ones.
Rob says that this is the family beach and the men on here have all been fattened up by their wives so that other women won’t look at them. All the real men are at the beach further down. It’s the fault of the wives, Rob confirms. Kate notices that he sucks in his belly and puffs out his chest as he goes to float with Mason.
At home, Rob and Kate bemoan having no babysitter for the New Year celebrations. Kate says never mind, we can get pissed at home! Rob cheers up at this, he obviously thinks his luck is in tonight! He scuttles off to the liquor store, where he has to queue for ages behind lines of the duskily complected ones.
Kate is making seafood pasta for dinner. She starts knocking back the white wine and at around seven o’clock, she is hammered. Rob rolls his eyes and sends her to bed with Mason who is pleased that he now has someone who will reply in kind when he chunters nonsense at them. Rob and Charlie decide to see the New Year in together. They both end up going to bed around ten.
Kate is woken up just before midnight by Mason, who is snivelling by the side of their bed saying “ I is a little bit scared.” Rob dutifully gets up and stumbles into Mason’s room and into his bed. Mason gets into bed with Kate and starts demanding apple juice ‘bot bots’. Eventually he falls asleep and starts kicking Kate and drooling on her in his sleep. He also snores like a blocked drain.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Friday
Kate wakes up and exhausts her supply of Nurofen Plus. She surveys her African domain. The vast tiled floors are covered in muck and it needs a mop. Stanley has somehow managed to angle his puckered little birdy arse out of his cage and managed to deposit a large moist turd on the floor. He glares at Kate balefully from his cage and she begins to wish she could sell him on Ebay like all her other unwanted purchases.
Kate has swept and mopped the floors three times since they’ve been here and each time has ended up dripping with sweat. Each time Rob has cheerfully informed her that she smells like a ‘Mine Kaffir’. Kate tells Rob it’s his turn. As expected, Rob starts grumbling on about how it’s her job because he goes out and works for a living. Kate points out that he doesn’t actually start til the 19th of Jan and to get off his arse and get on with it.
Kate, Charlie and Mason lie on her bed. Charlie reads his book and Kate reads Mason a story about a tickly sheep. They can hear Rob grunting, swearing and cursing as he attempts to sweep the floor. He shouts out that Kate’s long hairs are everywhere and keep getting stuck to the broom and blowing around. Kate shouts back that she’s quite happy to cut all her hair really short like she did once before and look like a lesbian again. Rob shuts up for five minutes as he has seen the photos of the lesbian haircut, but the banging about gets louder. He marches in and announces that he’s going to pay a ‘Black’ to come in and do this twice a week because Whites shouldn’t have to do this type of work. Kate considers this and realises that Rob has been quite happy for this ‘White’ to hoover up his shit and pick his dirty pants up for the past five years. She decides to keep her gob shut as she quite likes the idea of someone else getting hot, sweaty and smelly besides herself.
Rob goes back to his cursing and chuntering. Kate and Charlie roll their eyes at each other. Kate, deciding to further Charlie’s knowledge of adult relationships, tells him that this is a well known trick employed by adult males when they want to get out of household chores. They will either complain so much, or do such a slovenly job, that the adult female will undoubtedly sigh and just do the job themselves, never bothering to ask for help again. However, she tells Charlie, she is not so easily swayed, and despite her OCD impulses, is resisting the urge to grab the mop from Rob and do the job herself. Charlie, instead of congratulating his mother on her cunning and strength of resolve, gets a strange look of revelation on his face. He declares that’s the best trick he’s ever heard of, and goes back to his book. Kate realises she has just done Charlie’s future wife a grave disservice and goes back to reading about tickly sheep.
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