Jacob Zuma

Saturday 9th Jan.




Jacob Zuma, the South African President, is getting married for the fifth time. Kate thinks this must mean he has been divorced four times, but no, he is the proud owner of four other wives. He is on TV for his wedding ceremony, resplendent in traditional Zulu warrior garb, which means he is wearing a leopardskin and not much else. It’s not a pretty sight. Things take a turn for the worse when he starts doing the traditional male Zulu dance which involves kicking ones legs high above the head. Then, much to Kate’s amusement, he falls backwards on his arse in front of the worlds press. She doesn’t think the new Mrs Zuma will be very impressed.



Kate is listening to the radio and the DJ, (very obviously a white guy from his accent) is mercilessly taking the piss out of his President’s little mishap. Kate has noticed that white South Africans are very public in their mockery of the government and how generally thick they consider the blacks in power to be. From what she has seen so far, their jibes seem to have some basis in the truth. Not long after, she reads a newspaper article by a black columnist who is deriding the attitude of these people. He claims that they are ignorant and don’t they know that the ‘falling over’ was actually part of the dance? If they can’t be bothered to learn about the traditions of the Zulu people, then they shouldn’t offer comment on it. Naturally, this sends the piss taking white guys into paroxysms of delight. Of course! they say, Zuma fell over in front of the world and his new wife on purpose!! How ignorant of us!



Sunday 10th Jan



Charlie, Kate and Mason go for walk so that Mason can ride his new bike. This actually involves Kate carrying the bike up hills because Mason can’t manage them with his spindly legs, and down hills because Mason is too scared to bomb down them.



After a while they sit down for a rest and to contemplate the dense jungle in the small valley below. Kate looks down on the grass and sees a strange plant growing there - as she touches it, it folds its ferny fronds in on itself. Charlie is initially reluctant to touch it, as he fears it is a Venus Fly Trap, and could quite possibly devour him whole. Mason has no such inhibitions and very soon Kate finds herself sent off to look for more of the plants while Mason and Charlie excitedly poke at them to make them close up.

Unfortunately, Kate discovers more than just the plants – a shiny black foot long millipede as thick as her finger ripples in front of her and gives her a bad case of the shudders. She ushers her little chicks home and away from Africa’s nasty creatures.



That night, Kate is dozing off in the dark, when she feels something drop onto her face. She sits up shrieking and turns on the light. There is nothing there. Rob is not amused and tells her to get a grip and go to sleep. She tries, but five minutes later she feels something scrabbling around in her hair, right next to her ear. This time she practically vaults out of the bed, but again, there is nothing to see. Rob tries to comfort her by telling her that whatever it was is now probably burrowing down her ear canal and laying eggs in the lining of her brain.

Monday 11th Jan



The Kops’ head north towards the Huhluwe National Park. They are spending two days in a game reserve. Kate has been to a game reserve on a previous trip to South Africa but can’t remember much about it. She was pregnant with Mason at the time and thinks that the very fact that she was carrying the spawn of Rob may have affected her mind somewhat. Now, she and the kids are very excited, the big five are all apparently in residence at the park and they hope to see some big cats.



As they approach the entrance to the park, they are accosted by a little group of tiny black boys wearing tatty shorts. One of them starts banging on a big oil drum with sticks and the others start shouting and doing the Zulu war dance that President Zuma was attempting to do – with considerably more flair, Kate observes. Rob thinks so too and speaks to them in Zulu and gives them a ten rand note. This equivalent of one British pound will probably feed them for a week. As they drive off, Kate starts blubbing. Rob looks at her in disbelief. Poor little things, she sobs. Charlie tells Rob that he shouldn’t laugh at mum because he too thinks it’s very sad. Rob snorts and calls them both Moffies. Mason’s eyes gleam as he rehearses his newly learnt insult in his head.



They drive through the park to the rest camp. They pass some large shiny black rocks which turn out to be hippos. They also see some rhinos, giraffe and elephants crashing through some trees. They are staying in a fairly large thatched chalet with a balcony overlooking the bush. The entrance to the rest camp is a cattle grid, and the camp itself is surrounded by a three foot high electric fence. From what Kate remembers of her previous game reserve visit, there should be a fifteen foot high fence, huge gates which close at night, and guards with rifles constantly guarding the gate. Foolishly, she points this out to Rob, who agrees, but by then it is too late, her eldest son is now convinced he will die that very night in the jaws of the king of the jungle. After much reassurance by herself and Rob, Charlie accepts that they will be safe, and that such precautions obviously aren’t necessary here. Kate and Rob have already spent the past week convincing Charlie that they aren’t going to die of malaria. The park is in a malaria area, but the doctor and a pharmacist have insisted that tablets aren’t necessary and bug spray will do for one night. Despite their assurances, Charlie has still been asking what the symptoms are, and if there’s a cure. Kate hopes it’s just a phase he’s going through.



At the chalet, after liberal applications of Deet bug spray and the donning of long sleeved garments, Rob starts a barbecue, or ‘Braai’, as he insists Kate and the kids refer to it. The barbecue itself is right next to the dense forest, and Kate thinks it’s going to get very creepy when it’s dark. They have already seen an impala wandering round near their chalet, and Kate (silently) thinks that if a bloody deer can get in, why cant a tree climbing big cat?

Darkness falls. There is no light near the braai, so Rob asks Charlie and Mason to shine the lights from their cellphones on the meat for him. Kate sits on the balcony itching and eyeing the numerous spider webs that are draped in the eaves of the thatched roof. Suddenly there is an almighty shriek from Charlie; ‘EYES!! I CAN SEE EYES IN THE BUSHES!!!’ He grabs Mason and hurtles up the stairs with his nonplussed brother. Rob shines the light from his cellphone into the bush and confirms in a nervous voice that he too can see ‘eyes’. Kate, who by now has very nearly deposited the contents of her bowels on the balcony, creeps down to see. The bushes are indeed filled with tiny green lights, which she and Rob then realise are very obviously fireflies. Rob is forbidden from taking the piss out of Charlie as they all witnessed him saying he saw the eyes too. Charlie is more relieved about this than the fact that there are no hyenas or lions gnawing on his lower leg.



They are up at the crack of crows fart the next day, as animals come out when it’s cooler. They see more rhino, more giraffe, loads of deer like things with horns, a wildebeest and buffalo. No pussy cats. Mason is particularly fascinated by a heavily pregnant zebra who is waddling along the road with a friend. Mason is going through a particularly annoying phase at the moment. He will continually ask questions about everything he sees, which in itself isn’t irritating, it’s the repeated ‘Why?’ that follows their attempts to answer his questions that drives Kate and Rob nuts. Kate’s personal favourites are; ‘Why do we need heads?’ and ‘Why does water have to be wet?’



‘How does the baby zebra come out of the mummy’s tummy?’ pipes up the curious one.

‘ He comes out of a hole in the mummy zebra’s noo-noo.’ says Kate.

‘ Is the hole very big mummy?, it must be a big hole!’

Kate assures Mason that there’s plenty of room for the baby zebra to emerge.

‘ Is there a big hole in your noo-noo mummy, for when we came out?’

Rob snorts and assures his son that there is plenty of room in mummy’s noo-noo and she could probably manage to squirt out a couple of wildebeest too if necessary.

Kate thinks that if the gods are smiling on her, then the eyes next to the braai tonight wont be fireflies…