The Millars

Friday




In February 2009, Mason and Rob took a trip to South Africa whilst Kate and Charlie went to stay with the ‘Rents and sister in Key West. Whilst he was there he took Mason to stay with his cousin, Karen, her husband Andrew and their two girls, Simone and Jordan. Today they are coming to Ballito to visit the Kops’. Kate is pleased, she likes Rob’s family and she could do with someone to have a natter with.



The Millars arrive late at night after driving from Dundee, which is near the Drakensberg mountains, about halfway between Jo’burg and Durban. In the morning, everyone gets up and has a fried breakfast then they head to the beach.



Simone is twelve and Jordan is four, the same ages as Charlie and Mason. Kate is pleased as Charlie and Simone hit it off and spend all morning swimming and trying to knock crabs off rocks with stones. If she had plaits, Kate thinks Simone would look exactly like Pocahontas as she’s very pretty, and dark like her Dad. This is not lost on Charlie who seems to be doing a lot of Baywatch style running along the beach.



Karen tells Kate that Simone is very accident prone. Indeed, when Rob was visiting last February, she got a nasty snake bite that landed her in hospital. It was a Stiletto snake, which Kate thinks is a daft name for a snake, as it implies it’s long and thin, which all snakes are (apart from those nasty big things that eat Amazon Indians whole). When Rob told Kate about the snake incident, he says he’s sure that Mason and Jordan had found it earlier and were trying to feed it a saucer of milk. The Millars snigger over the fact that Rob was hopping around at the sight of the snake and shrieking like a girl. To hear Rob’s version of the story, he was the hero of the hour. Kate knows who she believes. Anyway, true to form, the unfortunate Simone gets stung on the bum by a jellyfish.



Jordan is just as deliciously naughty as Mason and Kate likes watching them play. They are like a little old couple chuntering to each other. Jordan has a saying that she got from Barney the purple dinosaur. Whenever she wants to play with something that Mason has she’ll say ‘Sharing is caring Mason!’ in her squeaky sing song voice. Simone says that it won’t work if Mason says it to her.



Kate and Karen sit on the beach gossiping and smoking fags. Kate smokes so many fags during the Millar’s visit, she feels bilious and thinks she has nicotine poisoning. Andrew dutifully plays with the little ones and Kate doesn’t think she’s ever met such a good natured husband! Karen and Rob tease Andrew about his dark looks and Karen says they were on holiday in Egypt when a local started jabbering to Andrew in his own tongue. Kate laughs and thinks that if she was Andrew, she’d rather be dark than look like a member of the Third Reich like Rob. Indeed, Rob’s Aryan skin gets burnt at the beach and Kate ends up pestering him to peel the skin off his shoulders.



Monday  – Friday
Rob and the kids start the new school year at Crawford Prep school. Rob finds he is teaching Geography and Maths. He’s not happy about the Maths. Kate doesn’t see what the problem is – it’s not like a bunch of twelve year olds are going to know more than him! He’s also coaching cricket to the under 10’s, which he moans about too, saying they’re useless and can’t hold a bat properly. Kate very patiently reminds him that the whole point of his job is to make sure they can. Duh!



Rob and Charlie depart on Wednesday for their respective ‘Bonding tours’. Rob is a year five teacher so he goes to a camp by a river with them that Kate can’t pronounce the name of. She finds herself wondering if any man eating crocodiles will be lining the banks. Charlie goes to the Drakensburg mountains with the year sevens. He calls Kate one evening and tells her that his classmates are too rough and all they want to do is roll around fighting each other. Kate tells him to fight with them and Charlie replies that he’s worried he’ll get hurt as they’re all bigger than him. Kate thinks about this. Charlie is only twelve years old, but he stands 5’5 tall and is only one shoe size smaller than Rob, how can these children be bigger than him? Are they mutants? She doesn’t know what to suggest so she tells him to stop snivelling and go and make friends, she also says wants an SMS telling her of his progress with the ‘friendmaking’ in an hour. Thankfully Charlie sends her a message saying all is well and he has made friends with a ‘cool’ English girl.



Kate and Mason are negotiating his first days at the Pre- Prep school on their own. It’s a fabulous place with a jungle gym that looks like it comes from the set of Tarzan. Mason likes his teacher, Mrs Koenig, who gives him a cuddle every time he goes home. Mrs Koenig seems very pleasant, but a bit prim. She seems to be easily shocked by Kate who tells her that both her boys are a ‘couple of flowers’ when she mentions that Mason has been quiet at school. ‘Oh no, no!‘ she protests, ‘Mason has a very special emotional intelligence!’ Kate tries hard not to snort. She kisses Mason goodbye and Mason tells Mrs Koenig that mummy has put her lipstick on his mouth. Kate tells him she’s not wearing any and informs Mrs Koenig it’s probably just slobber. Mrs Koenig looks horrified.



Kate gets home and reads some of the educational bumph she’s been given by Mrs Koenig. Apparently the children are being taught to be assertive. Kate smirks to herself, Mason certainly doesn’t need lessons in that! Later, when they are all at home, Kate asks Mason to pick something up that he has hurled on the floor. Mason ignores her so Kate asks him again. ‘STOP IT! I DON’T LIKE IT! GOODBYE!’ Mason says assertively. Mrs Koenig obviously takes her job seriously, thinks Kate.



Sunday


Rob plays golf and Kate takes the boys to the Pottery so they can play on the jungle gym. There is an indemnity notice on the equipment saying that everyone plays there at their own risk. Mason asks Kate what it says and she tells him it says that if you hurt yourself, it’s your own fault. Mason thinks for a moment then stamps on Charlie’s foot. Charlie shrieks. ‘Does that hurt? ‘ says Mason, ‘Yes! ‘ cries Charlie. ‘ That’s your fault’ says Mason smugly. They go to play and Charlie stubs his toe. Again, Mason informs him that it’s his own fault. When they leave, a bird craps on Charlie’s leg. ‘ Charlie’s not very lucky today is he Mummy?’ trills Mason.