Kate has been looking for work pretty much since the Kops' arrived in South Africa in December. There doesn't seem to be any teaching jobs as the kids are so well behaved over here;- why would anyone want to leave? Rob starts getting stroppy about the cashflow situation. Although he is earning, he's not earning sterling anymore and life is expensive over here - there's school fees and medical aid for a start. Eventually Lynn, Kate's gym instructor buddy saves the day. She moonlights as a medical aid rep and meets a general surgeon in Durban who needs a secretary. Kate calls him immediately and gets an interview!
The Doctor is called John and is tall, grey and distinguished looking with a very deep mumbling voice.He says 'Yeeees, Hmmmmm, weeeeell,' a lot. The Doctor's wife is also present at the interview. She's called Sue and is a glacial blond with a sweeping chignon who looks like Kate imagines Grace Kelly would look were she still treading this mortal coil. Sue is also the practice nurse and runs the business with the Doctor. Sue speaks very nicely. Kate doesn't really know what posh South Africans sound like, but she guesses something like these two.
Kate is asked lots of questions. They dont seem to mind that she is actually a PE teacher with no secretarial experience at all. Kate just wants a bloody work permit and Rob off her back.
Sue asks Kate if she speaks Afrikaans. Kate says no, but she can speak French well. 'Hmmmm', says Sue, raising a well manicured eyebrow, 'That's not much use here, how will you communicate with our Afrikaans speaking patients?'
'I'll get you on the phone then.' says Kate, at a loss for an answer. Aside from telepathy, what else is she supposed to do in that situation? Kate has had a look at Charlie's Afrikaans text book and there's no way she's ever going down that route. She's only just got the hang of rolling her French R's.
Sue doesnt seem very impressed with Kate; there's a lot of eyebrow raising and 'I see' -ing going on. The Doctor sits back and rumbles something every now and again but Kate cant really understand what he's said.
Jesus! Thinks Kate, what do they want? she's got a bloody degree, she's not some kind of sociopath, she's nice to old ladies, children and small woodland animals! The Doctor and his wife obviously want some kind of nuclear physicist keeping their accounts! They thank Kate for coming and she shuffles disconsolately home.
'She probably thought you wanted to shag her old man!' Rob is trying to console his depressed wife. Kate was quite excited about this job, she liked the administrative part of being a Head of PE , probably more than the teaching. She thinks about the medical side of things and realises she knows nothing, apart from the human anatomy and physiology she studied at college...and what Emma has told her.
Emma is Kate's little sister and has been a nurse in San Diego for the past ten or so years. Every time they chat on the phone, Em tells Kate about some revolting nursey experience she's had at work recently. There was the Mexican who tried to wee in a bottle whilst driving along and ripped the skin off his willy, (it subsequently went green and fell off), the lady with the necrotic wound that Emma applied 'Medical Maggots' to, (She left the maggots on too long and they all turned into flies and flew away when she took the dressing off) and Kate's favourite, the man with the huge boil on his arse that exploded all over Em when she was looking at it. Emma is always having to give people enemas too, (although she does her best to convince her patients to give themselves the enemas, they're usually having none of it) and has told Kate that when they get really constipated, she has to stick her fingers up their bums to hook it out. Kate doesn't know if she'd have to be involved in anything like that, but doesn't think she can stomach too much in the way of body parts or fluids on a regular basis, it was bad enough having to change the boys' nappies, especially Charlie, who seemed to have bowels with the same cubic capacity as the Mariana Trench.
Kate's Granny Lawrence has also played a small part in educating her about things medical. Kate can remember her moaning about her 'piles'. 'What are piles Granny?' Kate had asked. 'Oooh they're like huuuge grapes hanging outcha bumhole Kate!' her Granny had replied. According to Granny, you got them by sitting on frozen concrete or hot radiators, but Kate had never seen her Granny doing either so she didnt know how she'd acquired such an exotic medical condition. When she got older, Kate refused to believe that these horrible sounding things hung out of your bumhole. That is, until the fateful day she gave birth to her eldest son. Charlie was a large baby, weighing in at over 9lbs, but it was his huge head that caused the problems. Being a very narrow hipped female, it took Kate four and a half hours of pushing to finally get Charlie's 22cm head out into the world. Afterwards, Charlie's dad had looked at Kate's nether regions and exclaimed 'There's another one coming!!' 'No schweedie', drawled the Floridian Nurse, 'Thats just the haemorrhoids!'
About a week later, Sue calls Kate and tells her they'd like to offer her the job. Kate heaves a sigh of relief, no more whinging martyr-like husband prattling on about how he's single handedly supporting them all. Kate thinks he's got a bit of a nerve; if he'd married a South African woman, thats exactly what he'd be doing!
Kate likes working for the Doctor. He's a decent enough chap, even if getting conversation out of him is like pulling teeth. Sue is a different kettle of fish. She's quite a chilly character and very particular about how she wants things done. Kate's okay with that though, she's fairly OCD herself and can certainly hold her own when it comes to doing things properly. Eventually, Kate starts to get on quite well with her stern boss.
Kate tells Sue a patient wants to come and have a dodgy lump cut off his back. Sue explains it's called a lesion. The man comes in and Sue tells Kate he is a heart transplant patient and they are particularly susceptible to skin cancers, so the lump will have to be biopsied. The Doctor chops the lump off the man and puts it in a little see through pot with what Kate assumes is some kind of pickling juice. He puts it on his desk.
Sue asks Kate to come and get the specimen to take to the lab. Kate looks at it. It is a small white octopus-like thing with tentacles. Kate swallows and feels her gorge rise. Sue starts telling Kate about how she used to assist with heart transplants. Kate looks at the lesion, she thinks she can see its tentacles moving. Sue says that a heart transplant is such a beautiful thing! When the donor heart is put in the recipient, they have to be warmed up and after about half an hour of tense waiting, the surgeons will hear the heart monitor start to bleep! Kate looks at Sue, who's chin is starting to tremble, Oh God is she crying? thinks Kate? The lesion now appears to be waving at Kate with its appendages. It also appears to have eyes.
Sue now has tears of emotion coursing down her cheeks. The lesion seems to be winking at Kate. She grabs the specimen pot, mumbles something consolatory to her distraught boss and scuttles from the room.
Thuli
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Hyena
April 2010
Kate is VERY excited as her parents are coming to visit South Africa for the first time. Charlie is also excited at the prospect of being stuffed full of homemade cakes, biscuits and other subcutaneous fat-inducing foodstuffs by his Grandma. Mason is excited because the Grand’rents will doubtless be laden with Thomas the Tank Engine related merchandise. Rob is excited because he’ll be able to have manly chats with Kate’s Dad, discuss cricket in microscopic detail and they can slag off each other’s cricketing prowess too.
Rob is slightly concerned about the lack of manly beer in South Africa though - Kate’s Dad only drinks beer in dark brown bottles with names like ‘Olde Hairy Cowe’ and ‘Vicars Poke’, of which there is a distinct lack in Rob’s homeland. Kate is more concerned that her mum will insist on staying in the house for fear of being mugged upon every street corner. Kate doesn’t blame her mum for this, British people tend to have a negative view of South Africa, partly due to Apartheid, partly due to the revolting British media and partly due to the film ‘Lethal Weapon 2’ starring Mel Gibson and Danny Glover, where the South African baddies spend a lot of the film saying things like ‘You dirrrty Kaffir’ in quite poor accents.
Kate herself is embarrassed to admit she was influenced by this film, and very nearly suggested to her Deputy Head that they give the PE teacher post back in 2004, to a short, hirsute man from Kingston upon Thames who did a quite reasonable javelin lesson during interview,(no children threw themselves in front of javelins and no staff were speared either) rather than her husband to be, who she initially found quite cocky and arrogant. Nothing changed there, but she was very relieved to find that Rob got on extremely well with the large Jamaican Marcus Simpson whom they also hired at the same time, and on no occasion were any racial epithets hurled. Rob did admit that he saw Marcus in the shower once and said something along the lines of ‘It’s because he’s black!’ but the comment was entirely complimentary.
Anyway, The ‘Rents arrive at Durban Airport. They are suitably impressed by the Kops’ house and swoop upon the grandchildren who are edging closer to their luggage in the hope of either food (Charlie) or Thomas items (Mason). Kate and Rob decide to wind up the ‘Rents. Kate tells them to make sure they close their balcony doors at night because of the marauding leopards in the area. ‘Oh, ok,’ says Kate’s Mum, ‘As long as your father can have the fan on, he does sweat at night in his old age’ Kate’s Dad just sniggers, as he is wont to do, and asks where the nearest pub is. Rob looks stricken at this and suggests red wine at home as it’s not safe out, what with the leopards and stuff.
Kate admits the leopards don’t exist, but says to be careful of the monkeys. Kate’s Dad is now scornful of any wild animal claim and insists Kate is winding them up again. The monkeys however are proven to be in existence, when returning from the beach, they find the house has been ransacked. The devious little vervets have managed to gain entry via a window and have eaten everything in sight, except for Grandmas’ heart attack inducing home- made cookies. Kate’s mum is very disgruntled at this and demands to know what’s wrong with her cooking. Charlie assures her it’s wonderful whilst eyeing the plate of cookies wistfully. Kate can already see the whole packet of butter used in their production, settling itself down nicely in her son’s adipose tissues. The monkeys have also crapped on the floor, wiped it on the curtains, and knocked over Stanley’s cage. Stanley has escaped and is strutting around the carnage in an imperious manner, stopping only to admire himself in a full length mirror. Charlie wails that Stanley could have been torn to shreds. Kate thinks that any animal, vegetable or mineral that decides to attack Stanley is going to come off decidedly worse. Stanley takes no prisoners.
The reunited family, plus Rob’s twin brother Andy, decide to visit Umfoloza Game reserve for a couple of days. Kate tries to book the trip. Everything is fully booked except for one particular bush camp which only opened very recently. Upon arrival at the camp, they are impressed by the modern Zulu-inspired bush huts and beautiful sun deck overlooking the Umfolozi River, there is hardly anyone else there! Then Kate and Rob realise with horror why the bush camp is under booked. It’s so new there are no fences, electric or otherwise, leaving the inhabitants of the camp at the mercy of the wild beasts of Africa. Rob chats to another camper who cheerfully informs him that yes, he saw a big old male lion in the car park yesterday morning. Rob tells Kate to keep this information from the ‘Rents and kids. Kate mutters to herself about ‘Bloody South Africa’ and ‘Health and Safety’ and ‘Wouldn’t happen in England’ Rob points out that in England, the most dangerous wild animal is perhaps the highly ferocious urban fox, or perhaps the rampant and fearsome hedgehog. Kate stomps off to make tea and extract Charlie from the fridge.
They spend the day driving around the park in a rather splendid combi van they’ve hired for the trip. Kate’s parent ooh and aah at all the animals, although no big cats are seen. Kate’s mum insists on taking photos of every animal she sees, which is fine, except that they see these annoying little springbok things nearly every 100m. They return to the camp and start a barbecue or ‘braai’ on the sundeck. Mason starts wailing that he wants his ‘blankie’. Rob asks Charlie to walk back the 100 metres to their hut and fetch it for him. Charlie is reluctant, as it’s pitch black and they only have a feeble torch, but he dutifully trots off anyway. ‘Ha!’ exclaims Rob as he notices the disapproving looks on the faces of Kate and her Mum. ’It’s a rite of passage! Sending a kid off in the dark when you’re camping! We had to didn’t we Drew?’ Rob’s brother smirks and continues to poke at the Boerwurst.
Just then, Kate sees a pale shape about 20 meters in front of her. At first she thinks one of the other campers has let out their Labrador, but then she realises it is much too large and has strangely hunched shoulders. It is a huge hyena and it is following the path just taken by her gibbering son. Kate shrieks and points at the huge trotting beast and Rob and Andy run after it shouting and waving braai tongs. It slinks off into the darkness in the other direction. Charlie is hysterical however. He didn’t see the hyena but all the shouting terrified him and he does not have the most robust of dispositions. They all sit on a low wall next to the braai and try and console Charlie. Andy mutters to Rob that perhaps they should go inside, as the hyenas are being attracted by the smell of meat. Mason is also smaller than a hyena, and they tend to attack anything smaller than themselves.
As they all get up to go inside, they turn around and come face to face with yet another slavering hyena who has crept up directly behind Kate’s youngest son. It glares at them balefully with beady black eyes but doesn’t retreat. They all scuttle inside, Kate’s mum squawking like a recently buggered chicken and Mason with eyes like planets. Charlie is gibbering again. Kate’s Dad sniggers and says he thinks the hyena is quite cute looking with its big round teddy bear ears. Rob and Andy look at each other in horror. The hyena looks disgusted with the loss of the small blonde child and slinks off to find its buddy, not before it has filched a dropped bread roll.
Kate is VERY excited as her parents are coming to visit South Africa for the first time. Charlie is also excited at the prospect of being stuffed full of homemade cakes, biscuits and other subcutaneous fat-inducing foodstuffs by his Grandma. Mason is excited because the Grand’rents will doubtless be laden with Thomas the Tank Engine related merchandise. Rob is excited because he’ll be able to have manly chats with Kate’s Dad, discuss cricket in microscopic detail and they can slag off each other’s cricketing prowess too.
Rob is slightly concerned about the lack of manly beer in South Africa though - Kate’s Dad only drinks beer in dark brown bottles with names like ‘Olde Hairy Cowe’ and ‘Vicars Poke’, of which there is a distinct lack in Rob’s homeland. Kate is more concerned that her mum will insist on staying in the house for fear of being mugged upon every street corner. Kate doesn’t blame her mum for this, British people tend to have a negative view of South Africa, partly due to Apartheid, partly due to the revolting British media and partly due to the film ‘Lethal Weapon 2’ starring Mel Gibson and Danny Glover, where the South African baddies spend a lot of the film saying things like ‘You dirrrty Kaffir’ in quite poor accents.
Kate herself is embarrassed to admit she was influenced by this film, and very nearly suggested to her Deputy Head that they give the PE teacher post back in 2004, to a short, hirsute man from Kingston upon Thames who did a quite reasonable javelin lesson during interview,(no children threw themselves in front of javelins and no staff were speared either) rather than her husband to be, who she initially found quite cocky and arrogant. Nothing changed there, but she was very relieved to find that Rob got on extremely well with the large Jamaican Marcus Simpson whom they also hired at the same time, and on no occasion were any racial epithets hurled. Rob did admit that he saw Marcus in the shower once and said something along the lines of ‘It’s because he’s black!’ but the comment was entirely complimentary.
Anyway, The ‘Rents arrive at Durban Airport. They are suitably impressed by the Kops’ house and swoop upon the grandchildren who are edging closer to their luggage in the hope of either food (Charlie) or Thomas items (Mason). Kate and Rob decide to wind up the ‘Rents. Kate tells them to make sure they close their balcony doors at night because of the marauding leopards in the area. ‘Oh, ok,’ says Kate’s Mum, ‘As long as your father can have the fan on, he does sweat at night in his old age’ Kate’s Dad just sniggers, as he is wont to do, and asks where the nearest pub is. Rob looks stricken at this and suggests red wine at home as it’s not safe out, what with the leopards and stuff.
Kate admits the leopards don’t exist, but says to be careful of the monkeys. Kate’s Dad is now scornful of any wild animal claim and insists Kate is winding them up again. The monkeys however are proven to be in existence, when returning from the beach, they find the house has been ransacked. The devious little vervets have managed to gain entry via a window and have eaten everything in sight, except for Grandmas’ heart attack inducing home- made cookies. Kate’s mum is very disgruntled at this and demands to know what’s wrong with her cooking. Charlie assures her it’s wonderful whilst eyeing the plate of cookies wistfully. Kate can already see the whole packet of butter used in their production, settling itself down nicely in her son’s adipose tissues. The monkeys have also crapped on the floor, wiped it on the curtains, and knocked over Stanley’s cage. Stanley has escaped and is strutting around the carnage in an imperious manner, stopping only to admire himself in a full length mirror. Charlie wails that Stanley could have been torn to shreds. Kate thinks that any animal, vegetable or mineral that decides to attack Stanley is going to come off decidedly worse. Stanley takes no prisoners.
The reunited family, plus Rob’s twin brother Andy, decide to visit Umfoloza Game reserve for a couple of days. Kate tries to book the trip. Everything is fully booked except for one particular bush camp which only opened very recently. Upon arrival at the camp, they are impressed by the modern Zulu-inspired bush huts and beautiful sun deck overlooking the Umfolozi River, there is hardly anyone else there! Then Kate and Rob realise with horror why the bush camp is under booked. It’s so new there are no fences, electric or otherwise, leaving the inhabitants of the camp at the mercy of the wild beasts of Africa. Rob chats to another camper who cheerfully informs him that yes, he saw a big old male lion in the car park yesterday morning. Rob tells Kate to keep this information from the ‘Rents and kids. Kate mutters to herself about ‘Bloody South Africa’ and ‘Health and Safety’ and ‘Wouldn’t happen in England’ Rob points out that in England, the most dangerous wild animal is perhaps the highly ferocious urban fox, or perhaps the rampant and fearsome hedgehog. Kate stomps off to make tea and extract Charlie from the fridge.
They spend the day driving around the park in a rather splendid combi van they’ve hired for the trip. Kate’s parent ooh and aah at all the animals, although no big cats are seen. Kate’s mum insists on taking photos of every animal she sees, which is fine, except that they see these annoying little springbok things nearly every 100m. They return to the camp and start a barbecue or ‘braai’ on the sundeck. Mason starts wailing that he wants his ‘blankie’. Rob asks Charlie to walk back the 100 metres to their hut and fetch it for him. Charlie is reluctant, as it’s pitch black and they only have a feeble torch, but he dutifully trots off anyway. ‘Ha!’ exclaims Rob as he notices the disapproving looks on the faces of Kate and her Mum. ’It’s a rite of passage! Sending a kid off in the dark when you’re camping! We had to didn’t we Drew?’ Rob’s brother smirks and continues to poke at the Boerwurst.
Just then, Kate sees a pale shape about 20 meters in front of her. At first she thinks one of the other campers has let out their Labrador, but then she realises it is much too large and has strangely hunched shoulders. It is a huge hyena and it is following the path just taken by her gibbering son. Kate shrieks and points at the huge trotting beast and Rob and Andy run after it shouting and waving braai tongs. It slinks off into the darkness in the other direction. Charlie is hysterical however. He didn’t see the hyena but all the shouting terrified him and he does not have the most robust of dispositions. They all sit on a low wall next to the braai and try and console Charlie. Andy mutters to Rob that perhaps they should go inside, as the hyenas are being attracted by the smell of meat. Mason is also smaller than a hyena, and they tend to attack anything smaller than themselves.
As they all get up to go inside, they turn around and come face to face with yet another slavering hyena who has crept up directly behind Kate’s youngest son. It glares at them balefully with beady black eyes but doesn’t retreat. They all scuttle inside, Kate’s mum squawking like a recently buggered chicken and Mason with eyes like planets. Charlie is gibbering again. Kate’s Dad sniggers and says he thinks the hyena is quite cute looking with its big round teddy bear ears. Rob and Andy look at each other in horror. The hyena looks disgusted with the loss of the small blonde child and slinks off to find its buddy, not before it has filched a dropped bread roll.
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